Friday, October 15, 2010
i survived. the pain and heartache. chalked it up to experience. i didn't die. and yes, somehow, i am stronger.
trust, is a tricky thing. some people say that once it's been lost, things will never be the same. i wonder if it applies when we just go ahead and trust ourselves to make a decision most people won't make? do people really stop trusting themselves if they fail? or do we have to fail over and over again in order to feel that? do we lose trust in ourselves or do we just lose trust in a specific situation?
the one thing i am sure of is that when someone betrays your trust, gaining it back is almost close to impossible. but it can be done. if two people work together. if both are willing to take a chance, to work hard, and to focus on what is important to them. it doesn't happen overnight. there might be times when you need to back track, to answer questions over and over again until the other one has peace of mind. i think, it's not the answers that are important. it's the willingness of the person who broke your trust (and heart) to go through it, honestly holding your hand.
it's fucking awesome to be back on track again.
but what if it happens again? what if no answers make sense anymore? what if it feels like a lie?
this is when we need to trust ourselves. to stop or to go on. to allow negativity to envelop you or to fight for what you believe in. it is the hardest thing. it gets harder when you find yourself wondering what you did wrong. it gets even harder when you've given all you can, trusted with all your heart all over again, been loved back and given laughter and happy memories -- and be caught off guard. then it hits you. it's up to you to regulate the floodgates. your nightmare happens all over again, greater than before.
pray. for serenity. peace. and positivity.
strive. for serenity. peace. and positivity.
live. with serenity, peace and positivity.
that is all i can say.
keep all the good memories in your heart. no matter how the other person paints you and your life together, you know it's been good. you can look back and not regret anything when you've given your best.
Thursday, May 06, 2010
thinking he'll see how much he means to me.
i tried to leave. i tried to stay away. i tried to live my life but then
he shows up again, asking me to give it another chance.
what am i to do? what am i to say?
i look into his eyes and with his words i am swayed.
cuz i believe in us. i believed that this love is strong.
but then i'm left here again asking what went wrong?
Monday, April 26, 2010
scared to trust. scared to believe. scared to open my heart.
but i try. i put myself out there because i know what i want and need...and i want to believe that there is hope.
but the reality is, i can't just move forward without going through the issues, the hurt and the pain. i can't just move forward pretending nothing happened. i can't skip over the blackhole. i need to conquer the demons that will one day try to sneak up on me. i need to go THROUGH it and build life anew. i can't just move forward accepting that due to a certain technicality, i can't feel and react this way--because i have a right to be angry and to say so. i have gone through unbelievable pain, i can't have anyone tell me to keep it to myself. no matter what, i will not let anyone step all over me like that.
i have chosen to love. valiantly. even when sometimes it seems it does not make any difference. but i know that i can also choose to stop, and be alone. and not hurt anymore.
because i am tired of simplifying things and be blamed that i am making it complicated. i'm tired of being made feel guilty, of being unworthy. i can move on and build from the ground up but i can't let the questions and doubts eat me from the inside. i need to forgive the details. i need to hear the painful truth and be able to decide if i can accept it and move forward and still be whole. i don't need much. i just need the truth, as it is, plain and simple.
i don't need petty arguments. i don't need rejection. i don't need people running around in circles. i don't need to play games. i don't need pressure or anyone telling me i'm giving pressure when i all i need is clarity. i don't need to fight so hard for something someone is going to throw away in a heartbeat. i don't want any of those in my life.
i am afraid.
i'm afraid that we will not have that happiness again. i'm afraid that we will never have our life filled with that extraordinary love again. i'm afraid that we won't have a chance to do it all over again because of past fears and assumptions.
i am afraid that maybe i'll have to give up...so i can give him freedom...to find happiness that he can't seem find in me anymore...
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
"to feel the love of people whom we love
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I need to sleep. I am looking forward to climbing to bed with a good "sleep aid" and pray that I sleep through the night without waking up at 2 am with my heart racing. I don't even remember what it was that made me so anxious but it was a plethora of emotions that washed over me after a fruit salad of now-forgotten dreams. Deep breathing techniques didn't work, as my heart rate went thump. thump. thumping down on my pillow like a frikkin' drum. I heard my dog sigh under the covers, and I was envious of the slow, rythmic breathing felt by my butt. I tried to move so as not to crush her.
I tried to count sheep, prayed the Lord's prayer (got sidetracked several times). I tried fluffing my pillow, propped myself against one, put one over my head...everything. I tried to sing the Philippine National Anthem in my head. I don't remember at which point I fell back to sleep. Crazy night.
Hmm...It's not like my life in general hasn't been crazy. It has been and it has been quite a ride. Sometimes I want so desperately to get off but for some reason, I am mezmerized by the rush, and always end up choosing to stay. What can I say, I like the adventure. Curiosity killed the cat and I sure don't want to die like that. But seriously, I think it's a deep need inside of me to undertand this life that's been washed over by rainstorms and enveloped by calm, like children taking turns at the playground.
I don't know what's at the end. I do know that I always have a choice.
It's that simple. It should always be that simple--know what you want and decide. Nothing else matters. Nothing else should. That's what my mother, my family instilled and inspired in me. This is what the life I've led and decisions I made taught me.
Love without expecting anything in return.
Be kind and generous to people you love.
Be patient and unselfish at times when it's the hardest.
Say and do what you need to do without letting pride get in the way.
Don't overthink. Wait for the situation to present itself. (That lessens stress.)
If you want it, go for it. If you dont, then say so.
It is worth it if you say so and if you believe so.
Other people will attempt to make things complicated.
It's up to you to simplify it. :)
Cheers! (wishing i had a drink.)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
And i am sitting here right now, enveloped in the deepest sadness and longing. aching. questioning. why is all this bullshit happening in our lives? but then i don't want to think anymore. I want it all to stop. I want to be back in that moment a year ago, badly.
I want to be in that moment, a few days ago, when we put our differences and issues aside just loved and enjoyed each other's company like we used to. Quiet moments just holding hands. Smiling for no reason. Singing along to favorite songs. Making up words and our own melodies. Love fluttering like butterflies in my stomach.
But life isn't always perfect. Nothing is. And at some point we'd have to face the uglies and sort through this quagmire of sorts -- and hope to come out stronger and better people. better friends. better partners. I know it won't be instantaneous or easy. It will test our faith. our bond. our friendship. I guess the question is -- is it really worth it?
To me, it always was. It never changed and I have been consistent. To simply give up is unimaginable but at the same time, I will not force anyone to stay. I will fight for it, argue with all my heart, but at the end of the day, it's not my decision to make. I know when to walk (sometimes run) away. But I know I never ran away too far that i can't hear him calling me back. It will always be worth it. I just don't know how much more hurting, pain and heaviness of heart I can take... from missing a person and not have the freedom to tell him so...
Happy St.Patrick's Day...
Monday, March 15, 2010
my first one were a group of words i know i will always believe in and will always be important to me. words said and 'given' to me by someone who will always have part of my heart. i remember thinking that if things don't work out, i still won't have regrets because those are things that i will always want in my life and relationships. it was the perfect time. i had no doubts about anything. life was not perfect but it was when i felt love at it's strongest, and happiness overflowed.
i look at it now and i'm back at that moment when i first acknowledged how lucky i was that i have them in my life.
love. friendship. fidelity.
and i am inspired and hopeful.
my second one is a reminder of having balance and peace. it is my source for meditation. to focus. to clear my mind. i am alone living in a country half a world away from family. although i have been strong and resilient, i break down sometimes. i make wrong decisions. (and plenty of good ones, too, of course) i'm prone to diving into things with passion and intensity. impulsivity. with little regret, if there is even any.
it is scary to some people. stupid to some. but i have never been one to really listen to other people's shit. the only opinion that mattered to me was my mother's, because she has always been my rock. she always had my back, no matter what. she always treated me with respect and loved me unconditionally. without words, she has shown this to me. i didnt care about what other people would say and it served me well not to think about extra bullshit and drama these people on the outside create. i have never felt so at peace and free.
my third (and i am positive that it is not my last) is a reminder of strength. of meaning and purpose. these are the things that i keep losing track of and i sometimes falter. and i sit down, clear my head and my heart and pick out what is important to me. sometimes, the simplicity of choosing to be uncomplicated is the best thing. it allows me to be a better person. to give more. to be unwavering. as the realities of life come crashing in, it gives me wisdom and strength to get through anything on my own. the tree, not only reminds me of roots and intertwined lives but of nurturing, loyalty and family.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
my dreams drift towards you
as my heart quivers with longing...
i sometimes forget and try to reach for you in the morning
and you're nowhere near...
my head tells me to let it go...
if it's for me and it comes back,
then i'll know...
dreamless sleep, guard me for now,
from the clutches of these
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Monday, March 01, 2010
i am content. i have peace in my heart. i will move forward with blind faith.
(clutching this big chunk of love in my heart.)
because of you
like golden sunshine
warming my soul
in your stillness.
time will nurture
and the distance
will heal our wounds.
the truths spoken
will bind this touching of souls
as faith slowly
reveals it's hiding place.
my heart is still
as my mind rests.
thankful for this peace.
Friday, February 26, 2010
things end. good things and bad things alike. and there will be new things to fill the days that walk so slow. new memories, not to replace old ones, but to add to and continue to enrich this life that is continuing to evolve. to that, i am looking forward.
i continue to live life as i did before something changed. i continue to breathe, smile, give, laugh and everything else in between. i am still who i am. who i was. except that a part of my life changed. my favorite part torn from the pages, slowly and suddenly at the same time. if that makes sense. i am still me, except that there is a big gaping hole in my life. in my heart. i know it's there even when i continue to thrive in the normalcy of each day that comes. forward, i go. sometimes, afraid to stop. because i know it'll catch up to me. a fleeting moment that grips me, my heart, and time stops and traps me in silence.
i have not cried for days. perhaps, that part of me died, or got tired, or simply lost faith. lost meaning. i found that letting it be, accepting it as it is without question, set a part of me free. im sitting here and all i have are good memories that bring a smile to my face, melts my heart, reminds me of what that love was once. beautiful.
that's how i want to remember it.
but in fleeting moments forcing itself into my consciousness, i look back. perhaps hoping to catch a glimpse of reason. i look for it in vain. there is just nothing. nothing to quiet my mind.
in moments of blind doubt, i thought perhaps, my voice, my reasons and my being weren't really needed. it didn't matter anymore, if at all. perhaps, the decision was already made. perhaps not. i'll never really know.
i do know that i have made a choice. to fight for what my heart felt. to seek truth when my faith was broken. i may have broken someone's trust in the process and now i know i can't expect to be given the same chance i have given so many times. just because. just because. (i don't have an answer to that.)
but i also know, no matter how unfair it feels, i should be in charge of my feelings. i choose to move forward. i choose to continue to love from a distance. i choose to let it be. i choose to be happy.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
i'm doing a lot better as reality sinks in more. as new discoveries tug at my heart and my consciousness, forcing me to question the past. but that's just what it is. the past. it should just be kept there. good memories treasured and bad ones, well, discarded as best we can.
LET IT BE, LET IT BE, LET IT BE, LET IT BE...(can't stop singing along)
i will find comfort in the good memories. i will find comfort in knowing that i had the best person in my life. to love and be loved, to know and be known, and to accept and be accepted as i was. no one is perfect. that is a comforting thought.
what is perfection anyway? what would it be like to do no wrong? what would it be like to have everything and nothing to remind you of how valuable something really is?
i choose to have flaws (not that i have any choice, really. lol). i chose to love someone who is flawed. it gave me the chance and the courage to know myself and what i am capable to get past. unfortunately, like good choices, bad choices can be made. and we forget promises. heck, most people break them. and people forget that they have seen your heart and soul, and know you better. and at the most important moment, they don't see you, or hear you, or listen to what you have to say.
shit happens. we just have to decide if we're gonna leave it there or clean it up.
i listen to this song. i am sad. but i just have to let it be.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
it's already 2010. and as i scrolled down and revisited my thoughts, remembered details and wanting to suppress some of them, i laughed at how shamelessly i wrote. i wrote from the heart. i wrote like i'm talking to a friend. and my favorite, i wrote as if i'm talking to myself. hee-hee...
tonight is really not a happy night for me. today was an eye-opener. the whole month was a learning experience. and reading past blogs, reminded me of the cycle of life, and i am now, again, inspired by it.
i need inspiration. strength. resolve. i need to be reminded of how strong i was, or how strong i seemed to be. i need to surround myself with positivity because there should be no other way to live life. to have peace. even for a moment or two.
tonight, i am alone. and i will be strong. and my heart will be strong with me.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Monday, February 13, 2006
i'm terrified of the thought of getting my heart broken. again. so terrified that i almost feel nauseated -- like getting off a really mean rollercoaster ride, feeling eternally grateful that the near-death experience is finally over, wanting to throw up but deciding against it and putting on a brave face instead. funny how it sounds a lot like falling in love, which, come to think of it, can be equally terrifying.
yes. for me, and some people, it is. but it never stopped me from giving in to one of life's sweetest temptations. somehow, no matter how many times you get your heart broken, you still can't help falling the next time. most people never learn. I, certainly, did not. it's just like swearing never to come near another rollercoaster and then getting into one a few minutes later. and of course, screaming my emotionally-battered lungs out. again.
it still amazes me how i get the courage to put myself in the same situation i've already been in before. sometimes i can't help but wonder why...
maybe i'm just too much of an optimist sometimes. or maybe too much of a gambler. but then, i wouldn't want to live my life knowing everything before it happens. i wouldn't want to be too cautious to enjoy and experience life. there's something romantic about the unknown...
it's when you take risks, make split-second decisions and wrong turns that the most amusing experiences and sweetest moments happen. it happened to me. maybe it's one of the reasons why i'm not the kind of person who has a lot of regrets. why regret something that made you happy even if it didn't last? why regret getting your heart broken when it made you see how much love you can give? why regret decisions YOU made?
whew. it's hard to take risks that's why sometimes instead of thinking about it longer, i just go ahead and jump. no, dive is more like it. hahaha.
and there's nothing like waking up one morning, realizing you've already fallen for someone, without a clue how the hell that happened.
terrifying. tsk. tsk.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Sunday, January 29, 2006
-- U2, Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of
Saturday, January 21, 2006
being here in florida made me realize how big a chicken i am. i can't sleep. it's probably my insomia, which became chronic, you know...difficulty falling asleep, waking up frequently in between and waking up too early... fucked up, really. i feel like a sleep-deprived racoon. i looked like one this morning.
or maybe it isn't just the insomnia. hehe. i realized i'm so afraid of the dark when i'm alone. (it's different when you're not, believe me, hahaha...fearless goddess!) i guess i won't be watching too many scary movies anytime soon...
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Saturday, December 31, 2005
i'm waiting for the day i get so homesick that i'll be crying every 5 minutes. yep. preparing for the worst. the waiting has actually been quite disappointing. maybe it's because i've been anticipating it too much. i guess it'll come when i least expect it. the bastard'll pull a fast one on me. a surprise attack. and then hit me again while i'm down.
whew. what pessimism.
tick tock. still nothing.
i do miss some people though... it's more like thinking about them but not really "missing" them. i can't quite explain the difference right now. maybe in a few days it'll come to me. i'm still giddy from playing poker 10 minutes ago. too bad they weren't real chips. i'd be shopping like crazy tomorrow if they were. hehe.
so this is america. it's been so cold i almost hate it. almost. the new things i get to wear made up for it, hee-hee...the beanies, the hoodies ( that i get to pull over my head and not look stupid ), the jackets (yep, even the bulky ones), the vests, shirts i get to put over another and boots.
i haven't really seen San Fransisco...the airport doesn't count. nor have i experienced the so-called california sunshine. it's been raining everyday you'd think i'm in Seattle. and it's been keeping me indoors and in my bed where i'm warm and toasty. still...no hard feelings.
Things I got to do in 10 days:
1. I got to go to grocery store. LOL
2. to the drugstore. (really exciting.)
3. to 711 for phone cards (coz i was homesick, for 711. not.)
4. I got to visit my ate's friends and eat like i've never been fed for days.
5. got to show of my slammin' skills in singing, karaoke-style. (yep.i gave in to my beloved fans' coaxing. i was that bored. desperate for aliw.=)
6. I got to eat some more at home (in between bathroom breaks and layin' on the couch)
7. got to watch endless dvds (not my choice, really)
8. I got to go to L.A. and Anaheim (and saw old friends!)
9. got to see the Hollywood sign (which was nothing really special but was fun to do anyway)
10. I got to shop in L.A., Camarillo and Gilroy's (fun! no sarcasm here.)
11. got to see old friends...pao, janna, cathie and jad.
12. got to have my picture taken at the Universal Studios (with that globe background said to be "cursed", bwahahaha! good thing i wasn't with a boyfriend or we'd have broken up by now...daw!)
13. got to impatiently pose (read: fidgeting) for an airbrushed caricature of me (which ended up looking like a caricature of vanessa del bianco =c )
14. I got to buy my first Hard Rock Cafe - Hollywood shirt (not sure why that's special)
15. got to take pictures and have my picture taken ALMOST SHAMELESSLY.
16. got to eat my favorite beard papa cream puff in Hollywood
17. got to sweat it out at an Old Navy store looking for jeans my size (and NEVER found it)
18. I got to wear a beanie and pull up my hoodie (because i NEED to)
19. I got to think a lot about the people i care about
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Thursday, September 15, 2005
then it rang again. this time i picked up. i know i shouldn't have but i did anyway. maybe i was sort of trying to convince myself that we CAN be friends. just friends. because as far as i'm concerned, i have already decided, i've chosen and i'm happy.
the thing is, i don't know how to completely get over this. i keep hoping it'll die a natural death, like fire burning out. maybe i'm just such a coward. or maybe i'm still trying to convince myself that it was nothing. but then i really don't know if it was NOTHING. a year isn't nothing. bitching about things isn't nothing. doing stupidly crazy things isn't nothing. fighting isn't nothing. and certainly, i don't and won't cry for nothing. and if it's not nothing, what is it then?
i don't know. if i keep saying this, maybe the question will also be forgotten. i'm crossing my fingers now.
it's still there, at the back of my mind. that question. damn.
how did our conversation get to those questions anyway??? all i remember is that i didn't want go out and go around in circles again...then it became all these "why's" and "how come's" and all i could come up with was "I DON'T KNOW."
it's confusing that a person who's claims to be unaffected and not emotional would want to hear someone say "i miss you"...to ask a lot of "how come's" and "why's"...to ask a lot of questions that aren't and shouldn't be part of something called "black and white". all my answers were simple. there's no "us". there's no future. there are not enough reasons.
maybe staying sober can help. a lot of confusing things get thrown around when there's beer around. maybe it's better to hide things behind sobriety. that way no one gets hurt. no one cries. there wouldn't be too much confusion.
good thing i was sober then. good thing i'm sober now. unfortunately, someone didn't stay sober after minute ten.
what an agonizing 39 minutes and 52 seconds on the cellphone. good thing i wasn't paying...
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Sunday, May 08, 2005
anyway, i was late for the reception cuz i had to stop and buy ice cold water along the way. i had trouble parking because i couldn't move my left arm as much as my right. yup. had to drive with one hand. all because of my pretty dress. driving in style. hehe. and then i had to run across the parking lot. uh-huh. perpetually tardy. (felt like cinderella running, except i was thinking that i might fall and crash my face on the pavement any second.)
it doesn't end there. i didn't really know anyone. fortunately, i (sort of) knew one of the groomsmen, and managed to have someone to sit and talk to. but that someone to sit and talk with turned out to be someone else i'd always be grateful to for keeping me company. the other groomsman was nowhere to be found. in fact, he didn't come back and sit with us. =(
everything went well, i guess. and i'll always, always miss liz.
it was fun anyway. the night before, i was thinking: what the heck am i gonna do there ALONE?! but then, it turned out not to be such an ordeal... just kept reminding myself that i was there for my bestfriend. and then the world got smaller... (think: 6 degrees of separation... or friendster...hahaha!)
it's just funny how small the world is. ( wink! wink! ) i might even go to another wedding... alone. =)
Sunday, May 01, 2005
and nothing in a moment,
the silence breaks me as i hold back
when you reach for my hand...
your lips touch mine and
i know there's no turning back--
there's nothing and no one else
but you and me...
i am here with you and time flies
so fast that everything seems unreal.
except this pain. this misery.
your hands holding mine make me forget
and as i tuck my feet underneath yours--
nothing else matters,
nothing else exists but this.
this night, this conversation,
music that will keep playing in my head,
your smile and laughter...
until it's time to go.
when will you hold my hand and never have to let go?
when can i hold you close without wondering if you really feel the same way i do?
when will this end?
Friday, April 01, 2005
the last 6 months were pretty mind-blowing... everything rolled into one. depressing. exciting. happy. really happy. kilig. shitty. confusing. crystal clear. etcetera. etcetera. it was one roller coaster ride i'll never forget. maybe i crashed and got burned a bit but i couldn't bring myself to regret the moment i decided to jump. and now, thinking about everything still makes me smile that goofy smile. yup. yup. i'm doing jumping jacks right now. and i'm still thinking... did i really get burned playing with fire? maybe. maybe not.
or maybe i'm just not addicted anymore. just maybe.
i'm crossing my fingers.
i wish i could move on in the speed of light.
and i hope i'm not just fooling myself. oh well. let's go do jumping jacks.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
it sucks. cuz i think i'm basically a happy person and now i feel this way.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
We both know that I shouldn't be here, this is wrong... And baby it's killin' me, it's killin' you...Both of us tryin' to be strong. I've got somewhere else to be, promises to keep,
Someone else who loves me and trusts me fast asleep... I've made up my mind, there is no turning back, she's been good to me And she deserves better than that...
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do -- to look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thingI'll ever have to lie -- to show no emotion when you start to cry...
I can't let you see what you mean to me when my hands are tied and my heart's not free...
We're not meant to be...
It's the hardest thingI'll ever have to do -- to turn around and walk away pretending I don't love you...
I know that we'll meet again, fate has a place and time, so you can get on with your life I've got to be cruel to be kind...Like Dr. Zhivago, all my love I'll be sending, and you will never know 'cause
there can be no happy ending...
Maybe another time, another day, as much as I want to, I can't stay...
("The Hardest Thing" - 98*)
Monday, January 31, 2005
my mind and my emotions have been bestfriends lately. unfortunately, it has caused me to overanalyze things not worth too much time analyzing. i've bored friends but thankfully, they haven't abandoned me yet. i guess they understand that some trivial things are still important to me. i've made stupid and crazy choices -- and claim that i was thinking clearly then. i'm sure i was.
oh well. choices i make aren't really a problem. to me. but they tend to be someone else's problem. that's when i think too much. and when i do, things get even more complicated. imagine all the clutter up there sorted into several subfiles only i can comprehend.
it's a jungle up there right now. with disco lights. if only i can turn it off for a few minutes. relax my mind. maybe i'll do Yoga. =)
Saturday, January 29, 2005
you were someone else's
when i met you.
so was i.
you're my temptation,
my inner smile,
many times i tried to forget,
to walk away,
but i end up walking in circles
stranded in moments with you,
your scent, your lips
and your skin
i am your addiction too
and nothing can make it stop
not even you
hidden and scattered
in this chaos i choose
not to see
all mixed up in stolen
minutes being with you,
of having you,
of happy times
that shouldn't be ours
you're still someone else's
and so am i
still trying to run away
from this shameless
desire to stay
and i do
you want me to
i'm drowning in a sea
of reasons but
it's your voice i hear
it's your hand i see
right in front of me when
i don't ask why
because the answers
will never be real
and i may cry and
be repeatedly hurt,
but then, you are my cure
you're still someone else's
and i'm still someone else's
but we can't deny this...
this is our addiction.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
i did show gratitude and appreciation for everything. i was loved and i loved back. fiercely, honestly, passionately.
but then i realized i was living in present tense.
i forgot why i was loved. i forgot why i loved. i forgot how much i loved that person.
i forgot why it was worth fighting for.
i never should have forgotten. i never should have took remembering for granted.
it took someone else's heartache to remind me. to push me to go back to where it all began. to make me sit, stare at nothing and recall words, promises and jokes exchanged in the past. at first it seemed blurry, surreal. much like watching old movies. it surprised me that there was this feeling of detachment. of distance. but i knew then that i have found something great. something i might never have the chance to find, pray and fight for again. and so i dug deeper.
pictures, letters, cards, wrappers, ticket stubs, stuffed toys, pens, trinkets, clothes, furniture, places... every single one has a story and i spent countless hours re-telling them to myself. I remembered why i was mad, why i walked away, why i came back, why i smiled, why i laughed and why i cried...
i remembered how much i loved. and i remembered why.
it takes a lot to keep remembering. it takes a lot to keep myself from forgetting...even when i still had a hand to hold. even when i was holding fast, i was already forgetting the reasons why i was there.
thanks, reading this comforted and inspired me...
Sometimes people come into your life
And you know right away they were meant to be there
They serve some sort of purpose,
Teach you a lesson
Or help figure out who you are
And who you want to become
You never know who these people may be
Your neighbor, child, long lost friend, lover,
or even a complete stranger
Who, when you lock eyes with them
You know at that very moment
That they will affect your life
In some profound way
And sometimes things happen to you
And at the time they seem painful and unfair,
But in reflection you realize
That without overcoming those obstacles
You would have never realized
Your potential strength, will power or heart
Everything happens for a reason
Nothing happens by chance
Or by means of good luck or bad luck
Illness, Injury, love, lost moments
Of true greatness and sheer stupidity
All occur to test the limits of your soul
Without these small tests,
Whether they may be events, illness or relationships,
Life would be like a smoothly paved
Straight flat road to nowhere
Safe and comfortable
But dull and utterly pointless
The people you meet who affect your life
And the successes and downfalls you experience
Create who you are
And even the bad experiences can be learned from
In fact they are probably
The poignant and important ones
If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart
For they have helped you learn about trust
And the importance of being cautious to
Whom you open your heart
If someone loves you,
LOVE THEM BACK UNCONDITIONALLY
Not only because they love you
But because they are teaching you to love
And opening your heart and eyes to things
You would never have felt or seen without them
Make everyday count
Appreciate every moment
And take from it everything
That you possibly can
For you may never be able
To experience it again
Talk to people you have never talked before
And actually listen
Let yourself fall in love,
And set your sights high
Hold your head up
Because you have every right to
Tell your self you are a great individual
And believe in yourself
No one else will believe in you either
Create your own life
And then go out
Live each day as if it were your last
Tomorrow is not promised!