will there ever be answers good enough?

it's funny how my "down" days came to an end, unexpectedly. i missed writing down my thoughts, and pouring out some of my heartaches, hoping to somehow bleed it out. sometimes, it's too much to carry inside... and i feel as if it'll poison the hopeful part of me if i keep it all in.

i survived. the pain and heartache. chalked it up to experience. i didn't die. and yes, somehow, i am stronger.

trust, is a tricky thing. some people say that once it's been lost, things will never be the same. i wonder if it applies when we just go ahead and trust ourselves to make a decision most people won't make? do people really stop trusting themselves if they fail? or do we have to fail over and over again in order to feel that? do we lose trust in ourselves or do we just lose trust in a specific situation?

the one thing i am sure of is that when someone betrays your trust, gaining it back is almost close to impossible. but it can be done. if two people work together. if both are willing to take a chance, to work hard, and to focus on what is important to them. it doesn't happen overnight. there might be times when you need to back track, to answer questions over and over again until the other one has peace of mind. i think, it's not the answers that are important. it's the willingness of the person who broke your trust (and heart) to go through it, honestly holding your hand.

it's fucking awesome to be back on track again.

but what if it happens again? what if no answers make sense anymore? what if it feels like a lie?

this is when we need to trust ourselves. to stop or to go on. to allow negativity to envelop you or to fight for what you believe in. it is the hardest thing. it gets harder when you find yourself wondering what you did wrong. it gets even harder when you've given all you can, trusted with all your heart all over again, been loved back and given laughter and happy memories -- and be caught off guard. then it hits you. it's up to you to regulate the floodgates. your nightmare happens all over again, greater than before.

pray. for serenity. peace. and positivity.
strive. for serenity. peace. and positivity.
live. with serenity, peace and positivity.

that is all i can say.

keep all the good memories in your heart. no matter how the other person paints you and your life together, you know it's been good. you can look back and not regret anything when you've given your best.

wake up call

i ignored all the signs. i chose to do so. i turned a blind eye
thinking he'll see how much he means to me.

i tried to leave. i tried to stay away. i tried to live my life but then
he shows up again, asking me to give it another chance.

what am i to do? what am i to say?
i look into his eyes and with his words i am swayed.

cuz i believe in us. i believed that this love is strong.
but then i'm left here again asking what went wrong?

a choice...

i am scared.
scared to trust. scared to believe. scared to open my heart.


but i try. i put myself out there because i know what i want and need...and i want to believe that there is hope.


but the reality is, i can't just move forward without going through the issues, the hurt and the pain. i can't just move forward pretending nothing happened. i can't skip over the blackhole. i need to conquer the demons that will one day try to sneak up on me. i need to go THROUGH it and build life anew. i can't just  move forward accepting that due to a certain technicality, i can't feel and react this way--because i have a right to be angry and to say so. i have gone through unbelievable pain, i can't have anyone tell me to keep it to myself. no matter what, i will not let anyone step all over me like that.


i have chosen to love. valiantly. even when sometimes it seems it does not make any difference. but i know that i can also choose to stop, and be alone. and not hurt anymore.


because i am tired of simplifying things and be blamed that i am making it complicated. i'm tired of being made feel guilty, of being unworthy. i can move on and build from the ground up but i can't let the questions and doubts eat me from the inside. i need to forgive the details. i need to hear the painful truth and be able to decide if i can accept it and move forward and still be whole. i don't need much. i just need the truth, as it is, plain and simple.


i don't need petty arguments. i don't need rejection. i don't need people running around in circles. i don't need to play games. i don't need pressure or anyone telling me i'm giving pressure when i all i need is clarity. i don't need to fight so hard for something someone is going to throw away in a heartbeat. i don't want any of those in my life.


i am afraid.
i'm afraid that we will not have that happiness again. i'm afraid that we will never have our life filled with that extraordinary love again. i'm afraid that we won't have a chance to do it all over again because of past fears and assumptions.


i am afraid that maybe i'll have to give up...so i can give him freedom...to find happiness that he can't seem find in me anymore...

where will my feet go from here?

But I love your feet

only because they walked

upon the earth and upon the wind

and upon the waters,

until they found me.
                                   -Pablo Neruda

my head is a mess. my hands are trembling. and my heart is still broken but trying to mend itself. my feet are stranded, unable to move, unable to walk to where i want to be.

i have nothing but a sense of emptiness and loneliness, after a long day of normalcy. i come home to an empty house. it grips me now as i stop a couple of tears from falling. i tell myself it is not the end, even if it feels like it.

how does one let go? how does one stay? how does one decide?

my heart had been broken so many times, i have cried so many nights. i have heard and seen things that broke me and still i am standing here, strong in my resolve to give, to believe, to love.

what will make me stop?

how can i stop when memories of happy times flood my being? (am i holding on to the past and what could have been?) but then i see him and being near him brings it all back. and when i look into his eyes, feel his touch and hear his voice, i come undone. and i get lost in the magic that was "us". the magic that is still, undeniably, "us".

i believe anything. hope knocks again.

but then it all stops there as i close my eyes and realize that his eyes, lips, touch and voice have not been mine alone. my hope and happiness stops in its tracks and i can still feel my knees turn into jelly and my hands grow cold as ice when it first struck me that something was not right -- just before i saw it with my own eyes. something in me died as i asked myself why i deserved that kind of pain. i crumbled underneath my skin.

how do i go on with memories like these are haunting me? how do i go on when i know, as i have been shown, that i am not enough? how do i keep going and believing?

should i walk away? but how do i walk away?

when my heart and soul still aches for him?
when the ghost of our past life visits me night and day?
when part of me still believes?
when i promised i won't give up?
when i a big part of me wants to fight for it?
when, in my heart, he is still worth it?
when i still feel my heart grow full when our eyes meet from across the room?

my faith and love burns, almost eternal
...and so, do i stay?

will my heart be broken again?
will i ever know what i am worth?
will he fight for me, without falter, without doubting his strength?
will he truly love me, like he says he loves me, turning beautiful words into truth and reality?
will he be happy to just hold my hand and enjoy our lives a day at a time?
would we still be able to forget about the world being in each others arms?

or will he finally walk away?

i'm scared.
scared that i might be dreaming and
that one day i will wake up not knowing what hit me.
that he's already done and given up on me instead.
that he's found someone new.

that i'll be here alone again, realizing that i was just so blind to see.

still, i'm sitting here, wishing his arms were around me. wishing i could feel his cheek and hear him breathing comfortably. wishing i could see him smile, hear his voice, and still be cause for his laughter. wishing for things to be simpler, to have no fear of the future. wishing for the courage to move.


             my feet are dying to walk to where they want to be...
                                                                                   (with his...)

                                                                                             

i think of him still

it feels so good to love and be loved.

to be thought about with a smile...

to be someone somebody looks forward to see at the end of the day.

to be the cause of someone's laughter.

to be someone's reason for that silly smile on their face.

to be one-half of that couple laughing unabashedly.

to be told how lucky he is to have you in his life, and to feel as lucky to have him.

i miss long walks, bike rides, running in the rain.

i miss the spontaneity of our interactions, the crazy talk and laughter.

i miss coffee, sitting by the river peace, being quiet.

i miss baseball nights, talking shit while playing darts, pool or cards.

i miss everything. i miss my bestfriend and our little family made up of an angel of a little girl, full of mischief, a cat, and two dogs.

i miss it. i won't lie. i miss it terribly.

i miss being his dream angel...

i

the couch and some things i reflect upon until i fall asleep...

yes, i fall asleep on my couch often. it also, almost always, wins between doing the dishes and cleaning up. kinda sad, i would sometimes say. but a lot of times, it has been the best thing i ever bought, besides my bed. it is my comfort seat, my sanctuary,my favorite reading spot, my daybed. it has witnessed laughter, great friendships, love, sadness, a waterfall of tears and heartache.

i'm curled up in one corner as i write this blog. i'm thinking about my life and what i want in it.

this morning, someone asked me what i wanted and the first thing that came to mind was ALL or NOTHING at all. it reminded me of how i used to be. strong, tenacious, firm. i valued myself and i never settled for the lukewarm. i never settled for mediocrity. i was disappointed that i have become so accepting of what's there and settling for second best, or more like being second best. i was readjusting my standards to accomodate change just so that i could still have a hold of a part of a dream.

it made me question what i want in my life. what is important to me? what is it, ultimately, that i really want?

i want happiness and laughter. i want love, including the imperfections. i want great, honest and non-judgemental friendships. i want passion and intensity in everything i do. i want respect, honesty, steadfastness and reliability from people i love and trust. and of course, i want to be loved the way any woman should be loved. by someone who will go through life with me, holding my wrinkled hand. through good and bad times. through tears and laughter. i want a life without regrets.

and in time, i want to build a family. my own. to love and cherish. to go through crazy times with. to nurture and grow with.

is that too much to ask?

to me, if it is for someone i love, then NO. (and i expect the same answer from the person who loves me.)

should people always expect the best from their partners? should people always try and give the best to their partners? HECK, YEAH. otherwise, we'll all be having and living half-assed lives.

(i know i wouldn't be able to give perfection, but i will try and give my best everytime.)

fuel to the heart

 "to feel the love of people whom we love

is a fire that feeds our life."

Pablo Neruda couldn't have said it more simply.

It may seem odd that even when my heart has been broken so many times, I'm still standing here, believing this. it's probably because i've learned to love without regret. without fear. without pride.

it sounds simple but it cost me -- my heart.

and it broke me -- for the longest moment until i got a hold of myself and began gathering myself whole. but the hollowness and heaviness inside made me feel half-alive.

i watched the fire slowly fade but the memory of the roaring fire of yesterday blinded me. and now i vaccilate between being numb and being squeezed by this incredible heartache that runs through me and takes over my body.

the hardest thing is trying to be strong when all i need is to be held. the hardest thing is to know that my heart still hopes even when my head tells me no. the hardest thing is to pretend to be whole when i am breaking into a million pieces inside.

and i still cannot find hate, resentment or anger in my heart.

because i love like that.

and i don't know why anyone can be afraid of a love like this.

i wonder if anyone could love me like that...if anyone can ever fearlessly, relentlessly and passionately love me and fight for me like i have so many times? sometimes it makes me question if i am worth it. and then i am jolted to reality -- i know i am. it's just that, maybe, i'm expecting it from the wrong person....

it's the saddest thought and it breaks my heart. i can't be waiting in vain. but i can love from a distance. until i forget. if i ever will...

crayola life lessons

 

A box of fresh crayons make me a kid again. I run my fingers over the tips and I listen to the crisp sound they make as I slide them out of the box. Mmmmm. The smell of crayons bring joy to my heart. Creativity wasn't the only thing I got out of crayons. It was a great lesson on thoughtfulness. of caring. of showing love. sharing thoughts.

(Thank you, mom, for the never-ending art supplies...and thank you to my teachers who encouraged/forced us to make cards and write letters...)

I can't remember now what I loved to draw. I imagine I jumped from one subject to another like I do now. Houses, flowers, trees, with a swing. picket fences. cars. dinosaurs. dogs. the sun, the moon, and clouds of different shapes. stick-figure birds.

I remember fighting with someone about what colors to use. It was my picture. No one tells me the sun's rays should be yellow. I like orange, thank you. and I can make my clouds blue. and pink. and purple. No one tells me where I place my house, how big the windows should be or how i can make two slanting lines to show it's glass. That's just how it is. that's how it should be. End of story.

And no, I don't think I'm stubborn. I'm just ME.

I don't even know why I started to talk about crayons...

The crayon that i almost never used was Periwinkle.

Not that I don't like it. It was my favorite and i used it sparingly.

(I kept my periwinkle crayon in a separate pencil case.)

psycho, i know. but hey, it's my box o crayons.

Next in line was Salmon.

It fascinated me, and I didn't even know it was a fish.

I loved Torquoise Blue and I drove it to the ground.

I meant... paper.

Magenta and Plum were on my VIP list too.

I throw in Red Violet sometimes

when I forget how uninteresting it's name was.

(yes, i discriminated against crayons)

Canary Yellow wasn't allowed anywhere near.

simplifying the complicated

It's been one of those work days that start with me wishing it was time to go home. It's one of those nights when a persistent headache leaves me sitting in a stupor on my couch. No tv. No music. No book. No phonecalls. I finally got the bravado to get up and hunt down an ice pack and some exedrine and a few more minutes of stupor, I begin to clear up. Heavy head and heavy eyelids in tow, I will be attempting to blog.

I need to sleep. I am looking forward to climbing to bed with a good "sleep aid" and pray that I sleep through the night without waking up at 2 am with my heart racing. I don't even remember what it was that made me so anxious but it was a plethora of emotions that washed over me after a fruit salad of now-forgotten dreams. Deep breathing techniques didn't work, as my heart rate went thump. thump. thumping down on my pillow like a frikkin' drum. I heard my dog sigh under the covers, and I was envious of the slow, rythmic breathing felt by my butt. I tried to move so as not to crush her.

I tried to count sheep, prayed the Lord's prayer (got sidetracked several times). I tried fluffing my pillow, propped myself against one, put one over my head...everything. I tried to sing the Philippine National Anthem in my head. I don't remember at which point I fell back to sleep. Crazy night.

Hmm...It's not like my life in general hasn't been crazy. It has been and it has been quite a ride. Sometimes I want so desperately to get off but for some reason, I am mezmerized by the rush, and always end up choosing to stay. What can I say, I like the adventure. Curiosity killed the cat and I sure don't want to die like that. But seriously, I think it's a deep need inside of me to undertand this life that's been washed over by rainstorms and enveloped by calm, like children taking turns at the playground.

I don't know what's at the end. I do know that I always have a choice.

It's that simple. It should always be that simple--know what you want and decide. Nothing else matters. Nothing else should. That's what my mother, my family instilled and inspired in me. This is what the life I've led and decisions I made taught me.

          Love without expecting anything in return.
          Be kind and generous to people you love.
          Be patient and unselfish at times when it's the hardest.
          Say and do what you need to do without letting pride get in the way.
          Don't overthink. Wait for the situation to present itself. (That lessens stress.)
          If you want it, go for it. If you dont, then say so.
          It is worth it if you say so and if you believe so.
          Other people will attempt to make things complicated.
          It's up to you to simplify it. :)

Cheers! (wishing i had a drink.)

a year after 3 words fell out

The words I love you fell out of my mouth a year ago. unexpectedly. and i have never felt as happy and free. he was standing there in front of me, and every person around us seemed to be just a blur as it hit me -- i love him. and it jumped right out of me. it jumped right out of him too and life was beautiful.

And i am sitting here right now, enveloped in the deepest sadness and longing. aching. questioning. why is all this bullshit happening in our lives? but then i don't want to think anymore. I want it all to stop. I want to be back in that moment a year ago, badly.

I want to be in that moment, a few days ago, when we put our differences and issues aside just loved and enjoyed each other's company like we used to. Quiet moments just holding hands. Smiling for no reason. Singing along to favorite songs. Making up words and our own melodies. Love fluttering like butterflies in my stomach.

But life isn't always perfect. Nothing is. And at some point we'd have to face the uglies and sort through this quagmire of sorts -- and hope to come out stronger and better people. better friends. better partners. I know it won't be instantaneous or easy. It will test our faith. our bond. our friendship. I guess the question is -- is it really worth it? 

To me, it always was. It never changed and I have been consistent. To simply give up is unimaginable but at the same time, I will not force anyone to stay. I will fight for it, argue with all my heart, but at the end of the day, it's not my decision to make. I know when to walk (sometimes run) away. But I know I never ran away too far that i can't hear him calling me back. It will always be worth it. I just don't know how much more hurting, pain and heaviness of heart I can take... from missing a person and not have the freedom to tell him so...

Happy St.Patrick's Day...

post-its on skin

i've always wanted one and never could decide what to get or where to place it. it was a journey of knowing WHO I AM, WHAT I'M MADE OF and WHAT I BELIEVE IN. (of course, the sound of that whirring needle and the thought of it piercing my skin was lost somewhere, unconsidered, until that moment i had to actually face it, felt my heart racing and did a chicken dance, and almost fainted. hahaha!)

my first one were a group of words i know i will always believe in and will always be important to me. words said and 'given' to me  by someone who will always have part of my heart. i remember thinking that if things don't work out, i still won't have regrets because those are things that i will always want in my life and relationships. it was the perfect time. i had no doubts about anything. life was not perfect but it was when i felt love at it's strongest, and happiness overflowed.

i look at it now and i'm back at that moment when i first acknowledged how lucky i was that i have them in my life.

love. friendship. fidelity.

and i am inspired and hopeful.

my second one is a reminder of having balance and peace. it is my source for meditation. to focus. to clear my mind. i am alone living in a country half a world away from family. although i have been strong and resilient, i break down sometimes. i make wrong decisions. (and plenty of good ones, too, of course) i'm prone to diving into things with passion and intensity. impulsivity. with little regret, if there is even any.

it is scary to some people. stupid to some. but i have never been one to really listen to other people's shit. the only opinion that mattered to me was my mother's, because she has always been my rock. she always had my back, no matter what. she always treated me with respect and loved me unconditionally. without words, she has shown this to me. i didnt care about what other people would say and it served me well not to think about extra bullshit and drama these people on the outside create. i have never felt so at peace and free.

my third (and i am positive that it is not my last) is a reminder of strength. of meaning and purpose. these are the  things that i keep losing track of and i sometimes falter. and i sit down, clear my head and my heart and pick out what is important to me. sometimes, the simplicity of choosing to be uncomplicated is the best thing. it allows me to be a better person. to give more. to be unwavering. as the realities of life come crashing in, it gives me wisdom and strength to get through anything on my own. the tree, not only reminds me of roots and intertwined lives but of nurturing, loyalty and family.

fortune cookie after my own heart

on a "down day", finding inspiration like this inside a cookie is priceless.

it brings hope to the heart.

a smile that spreads like sunshine.

LUCK is helping.

(and St. Patty's Day is just around the corner)

i look at the four-leaf clover hanging on my keychain and

think about what it means...

Faith, Hope, Love and Luck.

i guess it won't hurt to start believing in all that again. :)

wishing for a dreamless sleep

my dreams drift towards you
as my heart quivers with longing...

i sometimes forget and try to reach for you in the morning
and you're nowhere near...

my head tells me to let it go...

if it's for me and it comes back,
then i'll know...

dreamless sleep, guard me for now,
from the clutches of these
memories...

inspired by a picture

i close my eyes.
i feel the wind blowing against me,
around me, through me.

i am suspended,
in awe of everything around me.

free.

blind faith

no expectations. no false hopes. no plans. no promises. everything will fall into place. it won't matter where. it won't matter how. it won't matter if we're together or not. but i will keep good memories in my heart. i will never forget.

i am content. i have peace in my heart. i will move forward with blind faith.

(clutching this big chunk of love in my heart.)

peace

my heart smiles
because of you

it spreads
like golden sunshine

warming my soul
in your stillness.

time will nurture
growth

and the distance
will heal our wounds.

the truths spoken
will bind this touching of souls

as faith slowly
reveals it's hiding place.

my heart is still
as my mind rests.

thankful for this peace.

another night

there will be nights like this. then there will be less and less. of this, i am hopeful...

things end. good things and bad things alike. and there will be new things to fill the days that walk so slow. new memories, not to replace old ones, but to add to and continue to enrich this life that is continuing to evolve. to that, i am looking forward.

i continue to live life as i did before something changed. i continue to breathe, smile, give, laugh and everything else in between. i am still who i am. who i was. except that a part of my life changed. my favorite part torn from the pages, slowly and suddenly at the same time. if that makes sense. i am still me, except that there is a big gaping hole in my life. in my heart. i know it's there even when i continue to thrive in the normalcy of each day that comes. forward, i go. sometimes, afraid to stop. because i know it'll catch up to me. a fleeting moment that grips me, my heart, and time stops and traps me in silence.

i have not cried for days. perhaps, that part of me died, or got tired, or simply lost faith. lost meaning. i found that letting it be, accepting it as it is without question, set a part of me free. im sitting here and all i have are good memories that bring a smile to my face, melts my heart, reminds me of what that love was once. beautiful.

that's how i want to remember it.

but in fleeting moments forcing itself into my consciousness, i look back. perhaps hoping to catch a glimpse of reason. i look for it in vain. there is just nothing. nothing to quiet my mind.
in moments of blind doubt, i thought perhaps, my voice, my reasons and my being weren't really needed. it didn't matter anymore, if at all. perhaps, the decision was already made. perhaps not. i'll never really know.

i do know that i have made a choice. to fight for what my heart felt. to seek truth when my faith was broken. i may have broken someone's trust in the process and now i know i can't expect to be given the same chance i have given so many times. just because. just because. (i don't have an answer to that.)

but i also know, no matter how unfair it feels, i should be in charge of my feelings. i choose to move forward. i choose to continue to love from a distance. i choose to let it be. i choose to be happy.

let it be...

yes. i was listening to the beatles. i was half listening, really, but words of wisdom can never be tuned out for so long. LET IT BE.

i'm doing a lot better as reality sinks in more. as new discoveries tug at my heart and my consciousness, forcing me to question the past. but that's just what it is. the past. it should just be kept there. good memories treasured and bad ones, well, discarded as best we can.

LET IT BE, LET IT BE, LET IT BE, LET IT BE...(can't stop singing along)

i will find comfort in the good memories. i will find comfort in knowing that i had the best person in my life. to love and be loved, to know and be known, and to accept and be accepted as i was. no one is perfect. that is a comforting thought.

what is perfection anyway? what would it be like to do no wrong? what would it be like to have everything and nothing to remind you of how valuable something really is?

i choose to have flaws (not that i have any choice, really. lol). i chose to love someone who is flawed. it gave me the chance and the courage to know myself and what i am capable to get past. unfortunately, like good choices, bad choices can be made. and we forget promises. heck, most people break them. and people forget that they have seen your heart and soul, and know you better. and at the most important moment, they don't see you, or hear you, or listen to what you have to say.

shit happens. we just have to decide if we're gonna leave it there or clean it up.

i listen to this song. i am sad. but i just have to let it be.

welcoming myself back :)

ah...it's been years since i last wrote on this blog. march 2006, when one of my closest friends passed away. i felt like life somehow drained out of me. he was a big part of it and his passing changed me. changed how i lived and reacted to certain situations and how i loved.

it's already 2010. and as i scrolled down and revisited my thoughts, remembered details and wanting to suppress some of them, i laughed at how shamelessly i wrote. i wrote from the heart. i wrote like i'm talking to a friend. and my favorite, i wrote as if i'm talking to myself. hee-hee...

tonight is really not a happy night for me. today was an eye-opener. the whole month was a learning experience. and reading past blogs, reminded me of the cycle of life, and i am now, again, inspired by it.

i need inspiration. strength. resolve. i need to be reminded of how strong i was, or how strong i seemed to be. i need to surround myself with positivity because there should be no other way to live life. to have peace. even for a moment or two.

tonight, i am alone. and i will be strong. and my heart will be strong with me.