only because they walked
upon the earth and upon the wind
and upon the waters,
until they found me.-Pablo Neruda
my head is a mess. my hands are trembling. and my heart is still broken but trying to mend itself. my feet are stranded, unable to move, unable to walk to where i want to be.
i have nothing but a sense of emptiness and loneliness, after a long day of normalcy. i come home to an empty house. it grips me now as i stop a couple of tears from falling. i tell myself it is not the end, even if it feels like it.
how does one let go? how does one stay? how does one decide?
my heart had been broken so many times, i have cried so many nights. i have heard and seen things that broke me and still i am standing here, strong in my resolve to give, to believe, to love.
what will make me stop?
how can i stop when memories of happy times flood my being? (am i holding on to the past and what could have been?) but then i see him and being near him brings it all back. and when i look into his eyes, feel his touch and hear his voice, i come undone. and i get lost in the magic that was "us". the magic that is still, undeniably, "us".
i believe anything. hope knocks again.
but then it all stops there as i close my eyes and realize that his eyes, lips, touch and voice have not been mine alone. my hope and happiness stops in its tracks and i can still feel my knees turn into jelly and my hands grow cold as ice when it first struck me that something was not right -- just before i saw it with my own eyes. something in me died as i asked myself why i deserved that kind of pain. i crumbled underneath my skin.
how do i go on with memories like these are haunting me? how do i go on when i know, as i have been shown, that i am not enough? how do i keep going and believing?
should i walk away? but how do i walk away?
when my heart and soul still aches for him?
when the ghost of our past life visits me night and day?
when part of me still believes?
when i promised i won't give up?
when i a big part of me wants to fight for it?
when, in my heart, he is still worth it?
when i still feel my heart grow full when our eyes meet from across the room?
my faith and love burns, almost eternal
...and so, do i stay?
will my heart be broken again?
will i ever know what i am worth?
will he fight for me, without falter, without doubting his strength?
will he truly love me, like he says he loves me, turning beautiful words into truth and reality?
will he be happy to just hold my hand and enjoy our lives a day at a time?
would we still be able to forget about the world being in each others arms?
or will he finally walk away?
i'm scared.
scared that i might be dreaming and
that one day i will wake up not knowing what hit me.
that he's already done and given up on me instead.
that he's found someone new.
that i'll be here alone again, realizing that i was just so blind to see.
still, i'm sitting here, wishing his arms were around me. wishing i could feel his cheek and hear him breathing comfortably. wishing i could see him smile, hear his voice, and still be cause for his laughter. wishing for things to be simpler, to have no fear of the future. wishing for the courage to move.
my feet are dying to walk to where they want to be...
(with his...)
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