a choice...

i am scared.
scared to trust. scared to believe. scared to open my heart.


but i try. i put myself out there because i know what i want and need...and i want to believe that there is hope.


but the reality is, i can't just move forward without going through the issues, the hurt and the pain. i can't just move forward pretending nothing happened. i can't skip over the blackhole. i need to conquer the demons that will one day try to sneak up on me. i need to go THROUGH it and build life anew. i can't just  move forward accepting that due to a certain technicality, i can't feel and react this way--because i have a right to be angry and to say so. i have gone through unbelievable pain, i can't have anyone tell me to keep it to myself. no matter what, i will not let anyone step all over me like that.


i have chosen to love. valiantly. even when sometimes it seems it does not make any difference. but i know that i can also choose to stop, and be alone. and not hurt anymore.


because i am tired of simplifying things and be blamed that i am making it complicated. i'm tired of being made feel guilty, of being unworthy. i can move on and build from the ground up but i can't let the questions and doubts eat me from the inside. i need to forgive the details. i need to hear the painful truth and be able to decide if i can accept it and move forward and still be whole. i don't need much. i just need the truth, as it is, plain and simple.


i don't need petty arguments. i don't need rejection. i don't need people running around in circles. i don't need to play games. i don't need pressure or anyone telling me i'm giving pressure when i all i need is clarity. i don't need to fight so hard for something someone is going to throw away in a heartbeat. i don't want any of those in my life.


i am afraid.
i'm afraid that we will not have that happiness again. i'm afraid that we will never have our life filled with that extraordinary love again. i'm afraid that we won't have a chance to do it all over again because of past fears and assumptions.


i am afraid that maybe i'll have to give up...so i can give him freedom...to find happiness that he can't seem find in me anymore...