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Monday, April 26, 2010

a choice...

i am scared.
scared to trust. scared to believe. scared to open my heart.


but i try. i put myself out there because i know what i want and need...and i want to believe that there is hope.


but the reality is, i can't just move forward without going through the issues, the hurt and the pain. i can't just move forward pretending nothing happened. i can't skip over the blackhole. i need to conquer the demons that will one day try to sneak up on me. i need to go THROUGH it and build life anew. i can't just  move forward accepting that due to a certain technicality, i can't feel and react this way--because i have a right to be angry and to say so. i have gone through unbelievable pain, i can't have anyone tell me to keep it to myself. no matter what, i will not let anyone step all over me like that.


i have chosen to love. valiantly. even when sometimes it seems it does not make any difference. but i know that i can also choose to stop, and be alone. and not hurt anymore.


because i am tired of simplifying things and be blamed that i am making it complicated. i'm tired of being made feel guilty, of being unworthy. i can move on and build from the ground up but i can't let the questions and doubts eat me from the inside. i need to forgive the details. i need to hear the painful truth and be able to decide if i can accept it and move forward and still be whole. i don't need much. i just need the truth, as it is, plain and simple.


i don't need petty arguments. i don't need rejection. i don't need people running around in circles. i don't need to play games. i don't need pressure or anyone telling me i'm giving pressure when i all i need is clarity. i don't need to fight so hard for something someone is going to throw away in a heartbeat. i don't want any of those in my life.


i am afraid.
i'm afraid that we will not have that happiness again. i'm afraid that we will never have our life filled with that extraordinary love again. i'm afraid that we won't have a chance to do it all over again because of past fears and assumptions.


i am afraid that maybe i'll have to give up...so i can give him freedom...to find happiness that he can't seem find in me anymore...



Thursday, April 22, 2010

where will my feet go from here?

But I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth and upon the wind
and upon the waters,
until they found me.
                                   -Pablo Neruda



my head is a mess. my hands are trembling. and my heart is still broken but trying to mend itself. my feet are stranded, unable to move, unable to walk to where i want to be.

i have nothing but a sense of emptiness and loneliness, after a long day of normalcy. i come home to an empty house. it grips me now as i stop a couple of tears from falling. i tell myself it is not the end, even if it feels like it.

how does one let go? how does one stay? how does one decide?

my heart had been broken so many times, i have cried so many nights. i have heard and seen things that broke me and still i am standing here, strong in my resolve to give, to believe, to love.

what will make me stop?

how can i stop when memories of happy times flood my being? (am i holding on to the past and what could have been?) but then i see him and being near him brings it all back. and when i look into his eyes, feel his touch and hear his voice, i come undone. and i get lost in the magic that was "us". the magic that is still, undeniably, "us".

i believe anything. hope knocks again.

but then it all stops there as i close my eyes and realize that his eyes, lips, touch and voice have not been mine alone. my hope and happiness stops in its tracks and i can still feel my knees turn into jelly and my hands grow cold as ice when it first struck me that something was not right -- just before i saw it with my own eyes. something in me died as i asked myself why i deserved that kind of pain. i crumbled underneath my skin.

how do i go on with memories like these are haunting me? how do i go on when i know, as i have been shown, that i am not enough? how do i keep going and believing?

should i walk away? but how do i walk away?

when my heart and soul still aches for him?
when the ghost of our past life visits me night and day?
when part of me still believes?
when i promised i won't give up?
when i a big part of me wants to fight for it?
when, in my heart, he is still worth it?
when i still feel my heart grow full when our eyes meet from across the room?

my faith and love burns, almost eternal
...and so, do i stay?

will my heart be broken again?
will i ever know what i am worth?
will he fight for me, without falter, without doubting his strength?
will he truly love me, like he says he loves me, turning beautiful words into truth and reality?
will he be happy to just hold my hand and enjoy our lives a day at a time?
would we still be able to forget about the world being in each others arms?

or will he finally walk away?

i'm scared.
scared that i might be dreaming and
that one day i will wake up not knowing what hit me.
that he's already done and given up on me instead.
that he's found someone new.
that i'll be here alone again, realizing that i was just so blind to see.

still, i'm sitting here, wishing his arms were around me. wishing i could feel his cheek and hear him breathing comfortably. wishing i could see him smile, hear his voice, and still be cause for his laughter. wishing for things to be simpler, to have no fear of the future. wishing for the courage to move.


             my feet are dying to walk to where they want to be...
                                                                                   (with his...)









                                                                                             

Saturday, April 17, 2010

i think of him still


it feels so good to love and be loved.

to be thought about with a smile...
to be someone somebody looks forward to see at the end of the day.
to be the cause of someone's laughter.
to be someone's reason for that silly smile on their face.
to be one-half of that couple laughing unabashedly.
to be told how lucky he is to have you in his life, and to feel as lucky to have him.

i miss long walks, bike rides, running in the rain.
i miss the spontaneity of our interactions, the crazy talk and laughter.
i miss coffee, sitting by the river peace, being quiet.
i miss baseball nights, talking shit while playing darts, pool or cards.

i miss everything. i miss my bestfriend and our little family made up of an angel of a little girl, full of mischief, a cat, and two dogs.

i miss it. i won't lie. i miss it terribly.

i miss being his dream angel...




i

Friday, April 16, 2010

the couch and some things i reflect upon until i fall asleep...

yes, i fall asleep on my couch often. it also, almost always, wins between doing the dishes and cleaning up. kinda sad, i would sometimes say. but a lot of times, it has been the best thing i ever bought, besides my bed. it is my comfort seat, my sanctuary,my favorite reading spot, my daybed. it has witnessed laughter, great friendships, love, sadness, a waterfall of tears and heartache.

i'm curled up in one corner as i write this blog. i'm thinking about my life and what i want in it.

this morning, someone asked me what i wanted and the first thing that came to mind was ALL or NOTHING at all. it reminded me of how i used to be. strong, tenacious, firm. i valued myself and i never settled for the lukewarm. i never settled for mediocrity. i was disappointed that i have become so accepting of what's there and settling for second best, or more like being second best. i was readjusting my standards to accomodate change just so that i could still have a hold of a part of a dream.

it made me question what i want in my life. what is important to me? what is it, ultimately, that i really want?

i want happiness and laughter. i want love, including the imperfections. i want great, honest and non-judgemental friendships. i want passion and intensity in everything i do. i want respect, honesty, steadfastness and reliability from people i love and trust. and of course, i want to be loved the way any woman should be loved. by someone who will go through life with me, holding my wrinkled hand. through good and bad times. through tears and laughter. i want a life without regrets.

and in time, i want to build a family. my own. to love and cherish. to go through crazy times with. to nurture and grow with.

is that too much to ask?

to me, if it is for someone i love, then NO. (and i expect the same answer from the person who loves me.)

should people always expect the best from their partners? should people always try and give the best to their partners? HECK, YEAH. otherwise, we'll all be having and living half-assed lives.

(i know i wouldn't be able to give perfection, but i will try and give my best everytime.)

Thursday, April 15, 2010

fuel to the heart


 "to feel the love of people whom we love
is a fire that feeds our life."

Pablo Neruda couldn't have said it more simply.

It may seem odd that even when my heart has been broken so many times, I'm still standing here, believing this. it's probably because i've learned to love without regret. without fear. without pride.

it sounds simple but it cost me -- my heart.
and it broke me -- for the longest moment until i got a hold of myself and began gathering myself whole. but the hollowness and heaviness inside made me feel half-alive.

i watched the fire slowly fade but the memory of the roaring fire of yesterday blinded me. and now i vaccilate between being numb and being squeezed by this incredible heartache that runs through me and takes over my body.

the hardest thing is trying to be strong when all i need is to be held. the hardest thing is to know that my heart still hopes even when my head tells me no. the hardest thing is to pretend to be whole when i am breaking into a million pieces inside.

and i still cannot find hate, resentment or anger in my heart.

because i love like that.

and i don't know why anyone can be afraid of a love like this.

i wonder if anyone could love me like that...if anyone can ever fearlessly, relentlessly and passionately love me and fight for me like i have so many times? sometimes it makes me question if i am worth it. and then i am jolted to reality -- i know i am. it's just that, maybe, i'm expecting it from the wrong person....

it's the saddest thought and it breaks my heart. i can't be waiting in vain. but i can love from a distance. until i forget. if i ever will...