fuel to the heart

 "to feel the love of people whom we love

is a fire that feeds our life."

Pablo Neruda couldn't have said it more simply.

It may seem odd that even when my heart has been broken so many times, I'm still standing here, believing this. it's probably because i've learned to love without regret. without fear. without pride.

it sounds simple but it cost me -- my heart.

and it broke me -- for the longest moment until i got a hold of myself and began gathering myself whole. but the hollowness and heaviness inside made me feel half-alive.

i watched the fire slowly fade but the memory of the roaring fire of yesterday blinded me. and now i vaccilate between being numb and being squeezed by this incredible heartache that runs through me and takes over my body.

the hardest thing is trying to be strong when all i need is to be held. the hardest thing is to know that my heart still hopes even when my head tells me no. the hardest thing is to pretend to be whole when i am breaking into a million pieces inside.

and i still cannot find hate, resentment or anger in my heart.

because i love like that.

and i don't know why anyone can be afraid of a love like this.

i wonder if anyone could love me like that...if anyone can ever fearlessly, relentlessly and passionately love me and fight for me like i have so many times? sometimes it makes me question if i am worth it. and then i am jolted to reality -- i know i am. it's just that, maybe, i'm expecting it from the wrong person....

it's the saddest thought and it breaks my heart. i can't be waiting in vain. but i can love from a distance. until i forget. if i ever will...