a tad too much

it's always been raining in my head lately. i'd be thanking God if it was a brainstorm going on in there. but it's not. still i'm thankful for my healthy, functioning brain. =)

my mind and my emotions have been bestfriends lately. unfortunately, it has caused me to overanalyze things not worth too much time analyzing. i've bored friends but thankfully, they haven't abandoned me yet. i guess they understand that some trivial things are still important to me. i've made stupid and crazy choices -- and claim that i was thinking clearly then. i'm sure i was.

oh well. choices i make aren't really a problem. to me. but they tend to be someone else's problem. that's when i think too much. and when i do, things get even more complicated. imagine all the clutter up there sorted into several subfiles only i can comprehend.

it's a jungle up there right now. with disco lights. if only i can turn it off for a few minutes. relax my mind. maybe i'll do Yoga. =)

my addiction

you were someone else's
when i met you.
so was i.

you're my temptation,
my inner smile,
my addiction.

many times i tried to forget,
to walk away,
but i end up walking in circles

stranded in moments with you,
your scent, your lips
and your skin

i am your addiction too
and nothing can make it stop
not even you

hidden and scattered
in this chaos i choose
not to see

great expectations,
passion and
pain

all mixed up in stolen
minutes being with you,
of having you,

of happy times
and conversations
that shouldn't be ours

and now,
you're still someone else's
and so am i

still trying to run away
from this shameless
desire to stay

and i do
just because
you want me to

i'm drowning in a sea
of reasons but
it's your voice i hear

it's your hand i see
right in front of me when
i stumble

i don't ask why
because the answers
will never be real

and i may cry and
be repeatedly hurt,
but then, you are my cure

you're still someone else's
and i'm still someone else's
but we can't deny this...

this is our addiction.

forgetting

i am guilty of taking things for granted. small things, fun times, happy moments, presence, constancy, caring and love given to me. it took me such a long time to accept that i did, and until now, i still keep coming back, asking myself: did i really take things for granted?

i did show gratitude and appreciation for everything. i was loved and i loved back. fiercely, honestly, passionately.

but then i realized i was living in present tense.
i forgot why i was loved. i forgot why i loved. i forgot how much i loved that person.
i forgot why it was worth fighting for.

i never should have forgotten. i never should have took remembering for granted.

it took someone else's heartache to remind me. to push me to go back to where it all began. to make me sit, stare at nothing and recall words, promises and jokes exchanged in the past. at first it seemed blurry, surreal. much like watching old movies. it surprised me that there was this feeling of detachment. of distance. but i knew then that i have found something great. something i might never have the chance to find, pray and fight for again. and so i dug deeper.

pictures, letters, cards, wrappers, ticket stubs, stuffed toys, pens, trinkets, clothes, furniture, places... every single one has a story and i spent countless hours re-telling them to myself. I remembered why i was mad, why i walked away, why i came back, why i smiled, why i laughed and why i cried...

i remembered how much i loved. and i remembered why.

it takes a lot to keep remembering. it takes a lot to keep myself from forgetting...even when i still had a hand to hold. even when i was holding fast, i was already forgetting the reasons why i was there.

live each day as if it were your last

(from iya-maniya's bulletin/friendster)
thanks, reading this comforted and inspired me...


Sometimes people come into your life
And you know right away they were meant to be there
They serve some sort of purpose,
Teach you a lesson
Or help figure out who you are
And who you want to become

You never know who these people may be
Your neighbor, child, long lost friend, lover,
or even a complete stranger
Who, when you lock eyes with them
You know at that very moment
That they will affect your life
In some profound way

And sometimes things happen to you
And at the time they seem painful and unfair,
But in reflection you realize
That without overcoming those obstacles
You would have never realized
Your potential strength, will power or heart

Everything happens for a reason
Nothing happens by chance
Or by means of good luck or bad luck
Illness, Injury, love, lost moments
Of true greatness and sheer stupidity
All occur to test the limits of your soul

Without these small tests,
Whether they may be events, illness or relationships,
Life would be like a smoothly paved
Straight flat road to nowhere
Safe and comfortable
But dull and utterly pointless

The people you meet who affect your life
And the successes and downfalls you experience
Create who you are
And even the bad experiences can be learned from
In fact they are probably
The poignant and important ones

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart
Forgive them
For they have helped you learn about trust
And the importance of being cautious to
Whom you open your heart

If someone loves you,
LOVE THEM BACK UNCONDITIONALLY
Not only because they love you
But because they are teaching you to love
And opening your heart and eyes to things
You would never have felt or seen without them

Make everyday count
Appreciate every moment
And take from it everything
That you possibly can
For you may never be able
To experience it again

Talk to people you have never talked before
And actually listen

Let yourself fall in love,

Break free
And set your sights high
Hold your head up
Because you have every right to
Tell your self you are a great individual
And believe in yourself
No one else will believe in you either
Create your own life
And then go out

Live each day as if it were your last
Tomorrow is not promised!

never comin' back

You said that you were getting cigarettes
It's been a week and you're not back yet
Your ashtray sits, empty, unused
I sit waitin', empty, confused
What could I have done
To make you feel this way?
What could I have said
To make you walk away?
If only I could know,
If only I could see
But you're not ever comin' back to me

You said I was the only (wo)man for you
But now it seems you've got another view
And is it someone else, or was it me?
Who is it with whom you'd rather be?
What could I have done
To make you feel this way?
What could I have said
To make you walk away?
If only I could know,
If only I could see
But you're not ever comin' back to me

I go to bed at night and dream of you
But in my dreams you're not just one, but two
And arm in arm you walk the beach
Just far enough to be out of reach

(Crash Test Dummies)

having a hand to hold

there's something about being single...
and there's something about being single at 27.

and then there's this thing about being single at 27,
after being in a relationship that lasted for more than seven years.

there's no one there to show that well-practiced pout. no one there to tie my shoelaces tight. no one there to hug me. no one there to drag to the movies at the last minute. or eat out with.

no one to hold hands with.

but hey, i can still clasp my hands together...and think about the past.

and while i'm thinking... i can think of things to do on my own. after all, i took the risk of losing someone just to make memories of my own.

nothing new for the new year?

nothing. and i'm still rambling.

no, i don't have a new year's resolution.
and no, i don't think it's useless... sometimes, thoughts count.

yep, even when the action takes such a long time to happen. or NOT happen at all.

i don't wanna start the year being cynical. one thing i've learned from the last few months of last year was to be appreciative of all things good and bad. yes, that includes the ugly. and some wrong things that felt right.

i guess that's the beauty of not knowing what life may bring. of not knowing what choices are the best ones. i get to make mistakes.

mistakes i learn from and mistakes i choose to continue doing for reasons even i wouldn't accept if i weren't feeling what i'm feeling right now.

I CHOOSE.

these two words served as my safety net. and though it didn't save me from getting my feelings hurt, i like to think it saved my pride somehow. for a control freak seduced by the idea of an uncontrollable unknown, it's better than nothing. it's quite a good deal, really.

and i wouldn't have to blame anyone if i fall. i wouldn't have to expect anybody to say "i'm sorry." i wouldn't have to regret anything because i made a choice.

CHOICE = RISK

this year wouldn't be any different than the last. i'll just be making different choices.