another night

there will be nights like this. then there will be less and less. of this, i am hopeful...

things end. good things and bad things alike. and there will be new things to fill the days that walk so slow. new memories, not to replace old ones, but to add to and continue to enrich this life that is continuing to evolve. to that, i am looking forward.

i continue to live life as i did before something changed. i continue to breathe, smile, give, laugh and everything else in between. i am still who i am. who i was. except that a part of my life changed. my favorite part torn from the pages, slowly and suddenly at the same time. if that makes sense. i am still me, except that there is a big gaping hole in my life. in my heart. i know it's there even when i continue to thrive in the normalcy of each day that comes. forward, i go. sometimes, afraid to stop. because i know it'll catch up to me. a fleeting moment that grips me, my heart, and time stops and traps me in silence.

i have not cried for days. perhaps, that part of me died, or got tired, or simply lost faith. lost meaning. i found that letting it be, accepting it as it is without question, set a part of me free. im sitting here and all i have are good memories that bring a smile to my face, melts my heart, reminds me of what that love was once. beautiful.

that's how i want to remember it.

but in fleeting moments forcing itself into my consciousness, i look back. perhaps hoping to catch a glimpse of reason. i look for it in vain. there is just nothing. nothing to quiet my mind.
in moments of blind doubt, i thought perhaps, my voice, my reasons and my being weren't really needed. it didn't matter anymore, if at all. perhaps, the decision was already made. perhaps not. i'll never really know.

i do know that i have made a choice. to fight for what my heart felt. to seek truth when my faith was broken. i may have broken someone's trust in the process and now i know i can't expect to be given the same chance i have given so many times. just because. just because. (i don't have an answer to that.)

but i also know, no matter how unfair it feels, i should be in charge of my feelings. i choose to move forward. i choose to continue to love from a distance. i choose to let it be. i choose to be happy.

let it be...

yes. i was listening to the beatles. i was half listening, really, but words of wisdom can never be tuned out for so long. LET IT BE.

i'm doing a lot better as reality sinks in more. as new discoveries tug at my heart and my consciousness, forcing me to question the past. but that's just what it is. the past. it should just be kept there. good memories treasured and bad ones, well, discarded as best we can.

LET IT BE, LET IT BE, LET IT BE, LET IT BE...(can't stop singing along)

i will find comfort in the good memories. i will find comfort in knowing that i had the best person in my life. to love and be loved, to know and be known, and to accept and be accepted as i was. no one is perfect. that is a comforting thought.

what is perfection anyway? what would it be like to do no wrong? what would it be like to have everything and nothing to remind you of how valuable something really is?

i choose to have flaws (not that i have any choice, really. lol). i chose to love someone who is flawed. it gave me the chance and the courage to know myself and what i am capable to get past. unfortunately, like good choices, bad choices can be made. and we forget promises. heck, most people break them. and people forget that they have seen your heart and soul, and know you better. and at the most important moment, they don't see you, or hear you, or listen to what you have to say.

shit happens. we just have to decide if we're gonna leave it there or clean it up.

i listen to this song. i am sad. but i just have to let it be.

welcoming myself back :)

ah...it's been years since i last wrote on this blog. march 2006, when one of my closest friends passed away. i felt like life somehow drained out of me. he was a big part of it and his passing changed me. changed how i lived and reacted to certain situations and how i loved.

it's already 2010. and as i scrolled down and revisited my thoughts, remembered details and wanting to suppress some of them, i laughed at how shamelessly i wrote. i wrote from the heart. i wrote like i'm talking to a friend. and my favorite, i wrote as if i'm talking to myself. hee-hee...

tonight is really not a happy night for me. today was an eye-opener. the whole month was a learning experience. and reading past blogs, reminded me of the cycle of life, and i am now, again, inspired by it.

i need inspiration. strength. resolve. i need to be reminded of how strong i was, or how strong i seemed to be. i need to surround myself with positivity because there should be no other way to live life. to have peace. even for a moment or two.

tonight, i am alone. and i will be strong. and my heart will be strong with me.