there will be nights like this. then there will be less and less. of this, i am hopeful...
things end. good things and bad things alike. and there will be new things to fill the days that walk so slow. new memories, not to replace old ones, but to add to and continue to enrich this life that is continuing to evolve. to that, i am looking forward.
i continue to live life as i did before something changed. i continue to breathe, smile, give, laugh and everything else in between. i am still who i am. who i was. except that a part of my life changed. my favorite part torn from the pages, slowly and suddenly at the same time. if that makes sense. i am still me, except that there is a big gaping hole in my life. in my heart. i know it's there even when i continue to thrive in the normalcy of each day that comes. forward, i go. sometimes, afraid to stop. because i know it'll catch up to me. a fleeting moment that grips me, my heart, and time stops and traps me in silence.
i have not cried for days. perhaps, that part of me died, or got tired, or simply lost faith. lost meaning. i found that letting it be, accepting it as it is without question, set a part of me free. im sitting here and all i have are good memories that bring a smile to my face, melts my heart, reminds me of what that love was once. beautiful.
that's how i want to remember it.
but in fleeting moments forcing itself into my consciousness, i look back. perhaps hoping to catch a glimpse of reason. i look for it in vain. there is just nothing. nothing to quiet my mind.
in moments of blind doubt, i thought perhaps, my voice, my reasons and my being weren't really needed. it didn't matter anymore, if at all. perhaps, the decision was already made. perhaps not. i'll never really know.
i do know that i have made a choice. to fight for what my heart felt. to seek truth when my faith was broken. i may have broken someone's trust in the process and now i know i can't expect to be given the same chance i have given so many times. just because. just because. (i don't have an answer to that.)
but i also know, no matter how unfair it feels, i should be in charge of my feelings. i choose to move forward. i choose to continue to love from a distance. i choose to let it be. i choose to be happy.
winter to spring
3 weeks ago
3 comments:
I remember the feelings so well. All of them; the emptiness, the anger, the helplessness, the desperation, the "detachedness", the self doubt, the "unfairness" of it all...and the loneliness. But mostly the feeling that nothing in life will ever be the same.
It won't. It will be different. It is never the same when someone touches our life so deeply.
I can tell you, that for me, after so many years of loving and learning...the good, the bad and the ugly...I have never forgetten a moment of the difficult times or my own emotions navigating them...but I have chosen, now, to dwell on the beauty they have brought to my life. This life that I control...and that I controlled back then, too, only I didn't realize it or, perhaps, didn't want to take responsiblity for it then.
I have found peace in the loves that came before and forgiven myself for my own complicity in them...and in doing so...I have learned to love them all over again...bigger, stronger and from this distance.
I have chosen to allow only the beautiful things to remain etched in my soul and they live with me eternally.
I'm not going to tell you that it isn't a long, hard journey...I am going to tell you that you ARE up to the task...just give yourself the chance.
Thank you for stopping by my blog. It was such a lovely surprise to see you.
Be good to yourself!
Dita
Hope you're feeling better now. :-)
Dita and Christine...thank you. for taking the time to share your thoughts. they are appreciated. and yes, i am ok. i have peace now. though at the time i was writing that, there was heaviness in my heart. what i dont have, though, is anger. i loved because i loved deeply. i believe i was loved deeply too...there are just times that the lines just don't connect...and that is when one has to be strong. i would not have loved as much if that love wasnt nurtured by my partner. unfortunately, nothing is perfect, therefore, we experience pain. thank you, again, for the comments. :)
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