crayola life lessons

 

A box of fresh crayons make me a kid again. I run my fingers over the tips and I listen to the crisp sound they make as I slide them out of the box. Mmmmm. The smell of crayons bring joy to my heart. Creativity wasn't the only thing I got out of crayons. It was a great lesson on thoughtfulness. of caring. of showing love. sharing thoughts.

(Thank you, mom, for the never-ending art supplies...and thank you to my teachers who encouraged/forced us to make cards and write letters...)

I can't remember now what I loved to draw. I imagine I jumped from one subject to another like I do now. Houses, flowers, trees, with a swing. picket fences. cars. dinosaurs. dogs. the sun, the moon, and clouds of different shapes. stick-figure birds.

I remember fighting with someone about what colors to use. It was my picture. No one tells me the sun's rays should be yellow. I like orange, thank you. and I can make my clouds blue. and pink. and purple. No one tells me where I place my house, how big the windows should be or how i can make two slanting lines to show it's glass. That's just how it is. that's how it should be. End of story.

And no, I don't think I'm stubborn. I'm just ME.

I don't even know why I started to talk about crayons...

The crayon that i almost never used was Periwinkle.

Not that I don't like it. It was my favorite and i used it sparingly.

(I kept my periwinkle crayon in a separate pencil case.)

psycho, i know. but hey, it's my box o crayons.

Next in line was Salmon.

It fascinated me, and I didn't even know it was a fish.

I loved Torquoise Blue and I drove it to the ground.

I meant... paper.

Magenta and Plum were on my VIP list too.

I throw in Red Violet sometimes

when I forget how uninteresting it's name was.

(yes, i discriminated against crayons)

Canary Yellow wasn't allowed anywhere near.

simplifying the complicated

It's been one of those work days that start with me wishing it was time to go home. It's one of those nights when a persistent headache leaves me sitting in a stupor on my couch. No tv. No music. No book. No phonecalls. I finally got the bravado to get up and hunt down an ice pack and some exedrine and a few more minutes of stupor, I begin to clear up. Heavy head and heavy eyelids in tow, I will be attempting to blog.

I need to sleep. I am looking forward to climbing to bed with a good "sleep aid" and pray that I sleep through the night without waking up at 2 am with my heart racing. I don't even remember what it was that made me so anxious but it was a plethora of emotions that washed over me after a fruit salad of now-forgotten dreams. Deep breathing techniques didn't work, as my heart rate went thump. thump. thumping down on my pillow like a frikkin' drum. I heard my dog sigh under the covers, and I was envious of the slow, rythmic breathing felt by my butt. I tried to move so as not to crush her.

I tried to count sheep, prayed the Lord's prayer (got sidetracked several times). I tried fluffing my pillow, propped myself against one, put one over my head...everything. I tried to sing the Philippine National Anthem in my head. I don't remember at which point I fell back to sleep. Crazy night.

Hmm...It's not like my life in general hasn't been crazy. It has been and it has been quite a ride. Sometimes I want so desperately to get off but for some reason, I am mezmerized by the rush, and always end up choosing to stay. What can I say, I like the adventure. Curiosity killed the cat and I sure don't want to die like that. But seriously, I think it's a deep need inside of me to undertand this life that's been washed over by rainstorms and enveloped by calm, like children taking turns at the playground.

I don't know what's at the end. I do know that I always have a choice.

It's that simple. It should always be that simple--know what you want and decide. Nothing else matters. Nothing else should. That's what my mother, my family instilled and inspired in me. This is what the life I've led and decisions I made taught me.

          Love without expecting anything in return.
          Be kind and generous to people you love.
          Be patient and unselfish at times when it's the hardest.
          Say and do what you need to do without letting pride get in the way.
          Don't overthink. Wait for the situation to present itself. (That lessens stress.)
          If you want it, go for it. If you dont, then say so.
          It is worth it if you say so and if you believe so.
          Other people will attempt to make things complicated.
          It's up to you to simplify it. :)

Cheers! (wishing i had a drink.)

a year after 3 words fell out

The words I love you fell out of my mouth a year ago. unexpectedly. and i have never felt as happy and free. he was standing there in front of me, and every person around us seemed to be just a blur as it hit me -- i love him. and it jumped right out of me. it jumped right out of him too and life was beautiful.

And i am sitting here right now, enveloped in the deepest sadness and longing. aching. questioning. why is all this bullshit happening in our lives? but then i don't want to think anymore. I want it all to stop. I want to be back in that moment a year ago, badly.

I want to be in that moment, a few days ago, when we put our differences and issues aside just loved and enjoyed each other's company like we used to. Quiet moments just holding hands. Smiling for no reason. Singing along to favorite songs. Making up words and our own melodies. Love fluttering like butterflies in my stomach.

But life isn't always perfect. Nothing is. And at some point we'd have to face the uglies and sort through this quagmire of sorts -- and hope to come out stronger and better people. better friends. better partners. I know it won't be instantaneous or easy. It will test our faith. our bond. our friendship. I guess the question is -- is it really worth it? 

To me, it always was. It never changed and I have been consistent. To simply give up is unimaginable but at the same time, I will not force anyone to stay. I will fight for it, argue with all my heart, but at the end of the day, it's not my decision to make. I know when to walk (sometimes run) away. But I know I never ran away too far that i can't hear him calling me back. It will always be worth it. I just don't know how much more hurting, pain and heaviness of heart I can take... from missing a person and not have the freedom to tell him so...

Happy St.Patrick's Day...

post-its on skin

i've always wanted one and never could decide what to get or where to place it. it was a journey of knowing WHO I AM, WHAT I'M MADE OF and WHAT I BELIEVE IN. (of course, the sound of that whirring needle and the thought of it piercing my skin was lost somewhere, unconsidered, until that moment i had to actually face it, felt my heart racing and did a chicken dance, and almost fainted. hahaha!)

my first one were a group of words i know i will always believe in and will always be important to me. words said and 'given' to me  by someone who will always have part of my heart. i remember thinking that if things don't work out, i still won't have regrets because those are things that i will always want in my life and relationships. it was the perfect time. i had no doubts about anything. life was not perfect but it was when i felt love at it's strongest, and happiness overflowed.

i look at it now and i'm back at that moment when i first acknowledged how lucky i was that i have them in my life.

love. friendship. fidelity.

and i am inspired and hopeful.

my second one is a reminder of having balance and peace. it is my source for meditation. to focus. to clear my mind. i am alone living in a country half a world away from family. although i have been strong and resilient, i break down sometimes. i make wrong decisions. (and plenty of good ones, too, of course) i'm prone to diving into things with passion and intensity. impulsivity. with little regret, if there is even any.

it is scary to some people. stupid to some. but i have never been one to really listen to other people's shit. the only opinion that mattered to me was my mother's, because she has always been my rock. she always had my back, no matter what. she always treated me with respect and loved me unconditionally. without words, she has shown this to me. i didnt care about what other people would say and it served me well not to think about extra bullshit and drama these people on the outside create. i have never felt so at peace and free.

my third (and i am positive that it is not my last) is a reminder of strength. of meaning and purpose. these are the  things that i keep losing track of and i sometimes falter. and i sit down, clear my head and my heart and pick out what is important to me. sometimes, the simplicity of choosing to be uncomplicated is the best thing. it allows me to be a better person. to give more. to be unwavering. as the realities of life come crashing in, it gives me wisdom and strength to get through anything on my own. the tree, not only reminds me of roots and intertwined lives but of nurturing, loyalty and family.

fortune cookie after my own heart

on a "down day", finding inspiration like this inside a cookie is priceless.

it brings hope to the heart.

a smile that spreads like sunshine.

LUCK is helping.

(and St. Patty's Day is just around the corner)

i look at the four-leaf clover hanging on my keychain and

think about what it means...

Faith, Hope, Love and Luck.

i guess it won't hurt to start believing in all that again. :)

wishing for a dreamless sleep

my dreams drift towards you
as my heart quivers with longing...

i sometimes forget and try to reach for you in the morning
and you're nowhere near...

my head tells me to let it go...

if it's for me and it comes back,
then i'll know...

dreamless sleep, guard me for now,
from the clutches of these
memories...

inspired by a picture

i close my eyes.
i feel the wind blowing against me,
around me, through me.

i am suspended,
in awe of everything around me.

free.

blind faith

no expectations. no false hopes. no plans. no promises. everything will fall into place. it won't matter where. it won't matter how. it won't matter if we're together or not. but i will keep good memories in my heart. i will never forget.

i am content. i have peace in my heart. i will move forward with blind faith.

(clutching this big chunk of love in my heart.)

peace

my heart smiles
because of you

it spreads
like golden sunshine

warming my soul
in your stillness.

time will nurture
growth

and the distance
will heal our wounds.

the truths spoken
will bind this touching of souls

as faith slowly
reveals it's hiding place.

my heart is still
as my mind rests.

thankful for this peace.