a year after 3 words fell out

The words I love you fell out of my mouth a year ago. unexpectedly. and i have never felt as happy and free. he was standing there in front of me, and every person around us seemed to be just a blur as it hit me -- i love him. and it jumped right out of me. it jumped right out of him too and life was beautiful.

And i am sitting here right now, enveloped in the deepest sadness and longing. aching. questioning. why is all this bullshit happening in our lives? but then i don't want to think anymore. I want it all to stop. I want to be back in that moment a year ago, badly.

I want to be in that moment, a few days ago, when we put our differences and issues aside just loved and enjoyed each other's company like we used to. Quiet moments just holding hands. Smiling for no reason. Singing along to favorite songs. Making up words and our own melodies. Love fluttering like butterflies in my stomach.

But life isn't always perfect. Nothing is. And at some point we'd have to face the uglies and sort through this quagmire of sorts -- and hope to come out stronger and better people. better friends. better partners. I know it won't be instantaneous or easy. It will test our faith. our bond. our friendship. I guess the question is -- is it really worth it? 

To me, it always was. It never changed and I have been consistent. To simply give up is unimaginable but at the same time, I will not force anyone to stay. I will fight for it, argue with all my heart, but at the end of the day, it's not my decision to make. I know when to walk (sometimes run) away. But I know I never ran away too far that i can't hear him calling me back. It will always be worth it. I just don't know how much more hurting, pain and heaviness of heart I can take... from missing a person and not have the freedom to tell him so...

Happy St.Patrick's Day...