49:52

my phone rang. by the time i got on my feet to answer it, it was too late.

then it rang again. this time i picked up. i know i shouldn't have but i did anyway. maybe i was sort of trying to convince myself that we CAN be friends. just friends. because as far as i'm concerned, i have already decided, i've chosen and i'm happy.

the thing is, i don't know how to completely get over this. i keep hoping it'll die a natural death, like fire burning out. maybe i'm just such a coward. or maybe i'm still trying to convince myself that it was nothing. but then i really don't know if it was NOTHING. a year isn't nothing. bitching about things isn't nothing. doing stupidly crazy things isn't nothing. fighting isn't nothing. and certainly, i don't and won't cry for nothing. and if it's not nothing, what is it then?

i don't know. if i keep saying this, maybe the question will also be forgotten. i'm crossing my fingers now.

it's still there, at the back of my mind. that question. damn.

how did our conversation get to those questions anyway??? all i remember is that i didn't want go out and go around in circles again...then it became all these "why's" and "how come's" and all i could come up with was "I DON'T KNOW."

it's confusing that a person who's claims to be unaffected and not emotional would want to hear someone say "i miss you"...to ask a lot of "how come's" and "why's"...to ask a lot of questions that aren't and shouldn't be part of something called "black and white". all my answers were simple. there's no "us". there's no future. there are not enough reasons.

maybe staying sober can help. a lot of confusing things get thrown around when there's beer around. maybe it's better to hide things behind sobriety. that way no one gets hurt. no one cries. there wouldn't be too much confusion.

good thing i was sober then. good thing i'm sober now. unfortunately, someone didn't stay sober after minute ten.

what an agonizing 39 minutes and 52 seconds on the cellphone. good thing i wasn't paying...