forgetting

i am guilty of taking things for granted. small things, fun times, happy moments, presence, constancy, caring and love given to me. it took me such a long time to accept that i did, and until now, i still keep coming back, asking myself: did i really take things for granted?

i did show gratitude and appreciation for everything. i was loved and i loved back. fiercely, honestly, passionately.

but then i realized i was living in present tense.
i forgot why i was loved. i forgot why i loved. i forgot how much i loved that person.
i forgot why it was worth fighting for.

i never should have forgotten. i never should have took remembering for granted.

it took someone else's heartache to remind me. to push me to go back to where it all began. to make me sit, stare at nothing and recall words, promises and jokes exchanged in the past. at first it seemed blurry, surreal. much like watching old movies. it surprised me that there was this feeling of detachment. of distance. but i knew then that i have found something great. something i might never have the chance to find, pray and fight for again. and so i dug deeper.

pictures, letters, cards, wrappers, ticket stubs, stuffed toys, pens, trinkets, clothes, furniture, places... every single one has a story and i spent countless hours re-telling them to myself. I remembered why i was mad, why i walked away, why i came back, why i smiled, why i laughed and why i cried...

i remembered how much i loved. and i remembered why.

it takes a lot to keep remembering. it takes a lot to keep myself from forgetting...even when i still had a hand to hold. even when i was holding fast, i was already forgetting the reasons why i was there.