scary thoughts...

realizing you've fallen for someone
when it was already too late.

wanting to risk everything for someone
without thinking twice.

finding happiness with the person
who would always make you cry.

longing for someone
who can't be yours.

still stuck in that moment...

you gotta stand up straight. carry your own weight.

these tears are going nowhere baby...

i was unconscious, half asleep.

the water's warm til you discover how deep.

i wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall.

it's a long way down to nothing at all.

and if the day won't last.

and if our way should falter along the stony pass. it's just a moment.

this time will pass.

 
                   -- U2, Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of

my day so far...

well, i haven't washed my face and it's already 2:30pm. still in my favorite pyjamas and my pinoy big brother shirt. great day so far. i ate, i checked my mail, read a little and now i'm blogging. nothing comes to mind. nothing i want to share really...since i'm still thinking and trying to organize my thoughts, my feelings...and probably my life too.

being here in florida made me realize how big a chicken i am. i can't sleep. it's probably my insomia, which became chronic, you know...difficulty falling asleep, waking up frequently in between and waking up too early... fucked up, really. i feel like a sleep-deprived racoon. i looked like one this morning.

or maybe it isn't just the insomnia. hehe. i realized i'm so afraid of the dark when i'm alone. (it's different when you're not, believe me, hahaha...fearless goddess!) i guess i won't be watching too many scary movies anytime soon...

some pics in L.A.

me, supposedly showing you the Hollywood sign...

with Ryan (boyfriend ni janna! HWHAT?!?, Janna  and me at the Hilton in Anaheim

Cathie, me and Jad...



 

sayin' CHEEESE!!!

with pao in L.A.

really good friends are hard to find. i'm so grateful i still have most of them. like pao-pao. who showed me around even when i was such a pain in the ass. hehe.

10 days in california

i'm waiting for the day i get so homesick that i'll be crying every 5 minutes. yep. preparing for the worst. the waiting has actually been quite disappointing. maybe it's because i've been anticipating it too much. i guess it'll come when i least expect it. the bastard'll pull a fast one on me. a surprise attack. and then hit me again while i'm down.

whew. what pessimism.

tick tock. still nothing.

i do miss some people though... it's more like thinking about them but not really "missing" them. i can't quite explain the difference right now. maybe in a few days it'll come to me. i'm still giddy from playing poker 10 minutes ago. too bad they weren't real chips. i'd be shopping like crazy tomorrow if they were. hehe.

so this is america. it's been so cold i almost hate it. almost. the new things i get to wear made up for it, hee-hee...the beanies, the hoodies ( that i get to pull over my head and not look stupid ), the jackets (yep, even the bulky ones), the vests, shirts i get to put over another and boots.

i haven't really seen San Fransisco...the airport doesn't count. nor have i experienced the so-called california sunshine. it's been raining everyday you'd think i'm in Seattle. and it's been keeping me indoors and in my bed where i'm warm and toasty. still...no hard feelings.


Things I got to do in 10 days:

1. I got to go to grocery store. LOL
2. to the drugstore. (really exciting.)
3. to 711 for phone cards (coz i was homesick, for 711. not.)
4. I got to visit my ate's friends and eat like i've never been fed for days.
5. got to show of my slammin' skills in singing, karaoke-style. (yep.i gave in to my beloved fans' coaxing. i was that bored. desperate for aliw.=)
6. I got to eat some more at home (in between bathroom breaks and layin' on the couch)
7. got to watch endless dvds (not my choice, really)
8. I got to go to L.A. and Anaheim (and saw old friends!)
9. got to see the Hollywood sign (which was nothing really special but was fun to do anyway)
10. I got to shop in L.A., Camarillo and Gilroy's (fun! no sarcasm here.)
11. got to see old friends...pao, janna, cathie and jad.
12. got to have my picture taken at the Universal Studios (with that globe background said to be "cursed", bwahahaha! good thing i wasn't with a boyfriend or we'd have broken up by now...daw!)
13. got to impatiently pose (read: fidgeting) for an airbrushed caricature of me (which ended up looking like a caricature of vanessa del bianco =c )
14. I got to buy my first Hard Rock Cafe - Hollywood shirt (not sure why that's special)
15. got to take pictures and have my picture taken ALMOST SHAMELESSLY.
16. got to eat my favorite beard papa cream puff in Hollywood
17. got to sweat it out at an Old Navy store looking for jeans my size (and NEVER found it)
18. I got to wear a beanie and pull up my hoodie (because i NEED to)
19. I got to think a lot about the people i care about


...

In Singapore, 2005

with my baby sis andee...

butterfly kingdom

tony, enzo, andee and me at the esplanade...

on our way to sentosa...

underwaterworld

this month's motto

(got this from a friend's page in friendster...)

Go for the person who loves you.

It is not wrong to love someone who belongs to someone else,

but it is much better to love someone who could also love you in return.

yup. it is much better. and it's even better if you love that someone NOT because they love you but because you know he's the person you want to be with through everything -- even if you break each other's hearts again and again.

u-huh ...i learned that much. =)

49:52

my phone rang. by the time i got on my feet to answer it, it was too late.

then it rang again. this time i picked up. i know i shouldn't have but i did anyway. maybe i was sort of trying to convince myself that we CAN be friends. just friends. because as far as i'm concerned, i have already decided, i've chosen and i'm happy.

the thing is, i don't know how to completely get over this. i keep hoping it'll die a natural death, like fire burning out. maybe i'm just such a coward. or maybe i'm still trying to convince myself that it was nothing. but then i really don't know if it was NOTHING. a year isn't nothing. bitching about things isn't nothing. doing stupidly crazy things isn't nothing. fighting isn't nothing. and certainly, i don't and won't cry for nothing. and if it's not nothing, what is it then?

i don't know. if i keep saying this, maybe the question will also be forgotten. i'm crossing my fingers now.

it's still there, at the back of my mind. that question. damn.

how did our conversation get to those questions anyway??? all i remember is that i didn't want go out and go around in circles again...then it became all these "why's" and "how come's" and all i could come up with was "I DON'T KNOW."

it's confusing that a person who's claims to be unaffected and not emotional would want to hear someone say "i miss you"...to ask a lot of "how come's" and "why's"...to ask a lot of questions that aren't and shouldn't be part of something called "black and white". all my answers were simple. there's no "us". there's no future. there are not enough reasons.

maybe staying sober can help. a lot of confusing things get thrown around when there's beer around. maybe it's better to hide things behind sobriety. that way no one gets hurt. no one cries. there wouldn't be too much confusion.

good thing i was sober then. good thing i'm sober now. unfortunately, someone didn't stay sober after minute ten.

what an agonizing 39 minutes and 52 seconds on the cellphone. good thing i wasn't paying...

hmnnn...

Once upon a time, Oscar Wilde said that the only way to get rid of temptation was to yield to it...
(got this from friendster just a minute ago)

i don't know if i agree with this or not. haha.

gotta go

i've got to say goodbye soon
gotta keep myself from falling
again and again

i've got to stop listening to these songs
gotta keep my heart still
when i see you

i've got to let you go
gotta lose the faith
i have in you

i've got to.

my bestfriend's wedding

i still can't believe it...but i'm sooooooooo happy for both of them. i couldn't help getting teary-eyed when they said their vows. shoot. i would've bawled if i only i had tissue paper with me... and a friend to cry through it with me. hehe. but i didn't have any of the two. and sweat was ruining my cute curls. it was insanely humid that day but liz and abet's wedding was soooo beautiful i'd gladly sweat it out again. hahahaha.

anyway, i was late for the reception cuz i had to stop and buy ice cold water along the way. i had trouble parking because i couldn't move my left arm as much as my right. yup. had to drive with one hand. all because of my pretty dress. driving in style. hehe. and then i had to run across the parking lot. uh-huh. perpetually tardy. (felt like cinderella running, except i was thinking that i might fall and crash my face on the pavement any second.)

it doesn't end there. i didn't really know anyone. fortunately, i (sort of) knew one of the groomsmen, and managed to have someone to sit and talk to. but that someone to sit and talk with turned out to be someone else i'd always be grateful to for keeping me company. the other groomsman was nowhere to be found. in fact, he didn't come back and sit with us. =(

everything went well, i guess. and i'll always, always miss liz.

it was fun anyway. the night before, i was thinking: what the heck am i gonna do there ALONE?! but then, it turned out not to be such an ordeal... just kept reminding myself that i was there for my bestfriend. and then the world got smaller... (think: 6 degrees of separation... or friendster...hahaha!)

it's just funny how small the world is. ( wink! wink! ) i might even go to another wedding... alone. =)

puppydog. =P

your eyes can tell me everything
and nothing in a moment,
the silence breaks me as i hold back
when you reach for my hand...

your lips touch mine and
i know there's no turning back--
there's nothing and no one else
but you and me...

i am here with you and time flies
so fast that everything seems unreal.
except this pain. this misery.
this reality.

your hands holding mine make me forget
and as i tuck my feet underneath yours--
nothing else matters,
nothing else exists but this.

this night, this conversation,
music that will keep playing in my head,
your smile and laughter...

until it's time to go.

when will you hold my hand and never have to let go?
when can i hold you close without wondering if you really feel the same way i do?
when will this end?

april fools

ha-ha-ha! don't know why i'm happy today -- maybe i'm an april fool... heck, i'm happy! happy! happy! happier than i ever was in the last 6 months. today's "happy" seems to be a different kind of happiness -- i'm actually bursting with glee and that "feeling of well-being" -- hwahahaha! i never thought i'd use those words -- damn. =)

the last 6 months were pretty mind-blowing... everything rolled into one. depressing. exciting. happy. really happy. kilig. shitty. confusing. crystal clear. etcetera. etcetera. it was one roller coaster ride i'll never forget. maybe i crashed and got burned a bit but i couldn't bring myself to regret the moment i decided to jump. and now, thinking about everything still makes me smile that goofy smile. yup. yup. i'm doing jumping jacks right now. and i'm still thinking... did i really get burned playing with fire? maybe. maybe not.

or maybe i'm just not addicted anymore. just maybe.
i'm crossing my fingers.

i wish i could move on in the speed of light.

and i hope i'm not just fooling myself. oh well. let's go do jumping jacks.

down here.

i'm feeling sad and i don't know why. i wanna cry... no, BAWL, my eyes out so i can breathe without that heavy unknown filling up my chest-- but i can't. it's actually pretty simple to smile and act like everything's fine... i can even giggle and go on a laughing trip but then i still feel that emptiness afterwards.

it sucks. cuz i think i'm basically a happy person and now i feel this way.

stupidly blinking away the tears...

ten years from now, i'd still probably cry whenever i hear this song. it just makes me think... and think... maybe love really is stupidity by choice.

We both know that I shouldn't be here, this is wrong... And baby it's killin' me, it's killin' you...Both of us tryin' to be strong. I've got somewhere else to be, promises to keep,
Someone else who loves me and trusts me fast asleep... I've made up my mind, there is no turning back, she's been good to me And she deserves better than that...

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do -- to look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thingI'll ever have to lie -- to show no emotion when you start to cry...
I can't let you see what you mean to me when my hands are tied and my heart's not free...
We're not meant to be...
It's the hardest thingI'll ever have to do -- to turn around and walk away pretending I don't love you...

I know that we'll meet again, fate has a place and time, so you can get on with your life I've got to be cruel to be kind...Like Dr. Zhivago, all my love I'll be sending, and you will never know 'cause
there can be no happy ending...

Maybe another time, another day, as much as I want to, I can't stay...

("The Hardest Thing" - 98*)

what i want:

free my soul...
i wanna lose myself in rock and roll

...and drift away

a tad too much

it's always been raining in my head lately. i'd be thanking God if it was a brainstorm going on in there. but it's not. still i'm thankful for my healthy, functioning brain. =)

my mind and my emotions have been bestfriends lately. unfortunately, it has caused me to overanalyze things not worth too much time analyzing. i've bored friends but thankfully, they haven't abandoned me yet. i guess they understand that some trivial things are still important to me. i've made stupid and crazy choices -- and claim that i was thinking clearly then. i'm sure i was.

oh well. choices i make aren't really a problem. to me. but they tend to be someone else's problem. that's when i think too much. and when i do, things get even more complicated. imagine all the clutter up there sorted into several subfiles only i can comprehend.

it's a jungle up there right now. with disco lights. if only i can turn it off for a few minutes. relax my mind. maybe i'll do Yoga. =)

my addiction

you were someone else's
when i met you.
so was i.

you're my temptation,
my inner smile,
my addiction.

many times i tried to forget,
to walk away,
but i end up walking in circles

stranded in moments with you,
your scent, your lips
and your skin

i am your addiction too
and nothing can make it stop
not even you

hidden and scattered
in this chaos i choose
not to see

great expectations,
passion and
pain

all mixed up in stolen
minutes being with you,
of having you,

of happy times
and conversations
that shouldn't be ours

and now,
you're still someone else's
and so am i

still trying to run away
from this shameless
desire to stay

and i do
just because
you want me to

i'm drowning in a sea
of reasons but
it's your voice i hear

it's your hand i see
right in front of me when
i stumble

i don't ask why
because the answers
will never be real

and i may cry and
be repeatedly hurt,
but then, you are my cure

you're still someone else's
and i'm still someone else's
but we can't deny this...

this is our addiction.

forgetting

i am guilty of taking things for granted. small things, fun times, happy moments, presence, constancy, caring and love given to me. it took me such a long time to accept that i did, and until now, i still keep coming back, asking myself: did i really take things for granted?

i did show gratitude and appreciation for everything. i was loved and i loved back. fiercely, honestly, passionately.

but then i realized i was living in present tense.
i forgot why i was loved. i forgot why i loved. i forgot how much i loved that person.
i forgot why it was worth fighting for.

i never should have forgotten. i never should have took remembering for granted.

it took someone else's heartache to remind me. to push me to go back to where it all began. to make me sit, stare at nothing and recall words, promises and jokes exchanged in the past. at first it seemed blurry, surreal. much like watching old movies. it surprised me that there was this feeling of detachment. of distance. but i knew then that i have found something great. something i might never have the chance to find, pray and fight for again. and so i dug deeper.

pictures, letters, cards, wrappers, ticket stubs, stuffed toys, pens, trinkets, clothes, furniture, places... every single one has a story and i spent countless hours re-telling them to myself. I remembered why i was mad, why i walked away, why i came back, why i smiled, why i laughed and why i cried...

i remembered how much i loved. and i remembered why.

it takes a lot to keep remembering. it takes a lot to keep myself from forgetting...even when i still had a hand to hold. even when i was holding fast, i was already forgetting the reasons why i was there.